Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

Fright

I've somewhat been avoiding this but I can tell I'm going to get even littler done without making a proper entry.

I woke up at nine and got ready. Looked the Kiwi hippie part. Went to breakfast with Kate and the girl from Belgium who's in the room closest the bathroom came. We all chatted and it was nice. Ricardo turned his nose up at breakfast and left.

We walked back for a little bit. Went to catch the tour of Reading center at 10.30 or whatever. Tair and the others were there. I sat and there were peculiar looks when it was found out I was American. We went on the walking tour in, and I was hurting in the legs from all the walking I've been doing lately. Fluffy-the-ceramic-hip was not enjoying it, neither was my lack of fibula. Headache and tired too. Plus I realized on my way there that it was a pointless tour because they weren't actually saying anything and I'd already seen the route once when I took the bus yesterday. So basically I took the long walk all the way in just to pay the one pound sixty to get back. I didn't have it in me to stay around with Tair and Ricardo, so I pardoned myself and took the bus home with Kate and Belgium girl (whose name I am terrible with, because I am not really remembering any names here).

They invited me to come along with them to the student union but I declined. I came back, hopped online, then got into bed with Pride & Prejudice. Finished that before 2 and decided to nap until 2.20, then maybe make my way to the student union to see if it was open and check to see if the library was open. Instead I signed online and didn't get off until basically dinner. I chatted with Shaya and a few other people.

Dinner time came and I put on some makeup and did my hair. The que was huge, up to the floors on the stairs, and we were then told dinner was moved to 7 from construction or something. So I went back to my room and read The Power of Now. I got really into it and felt peaceful and wonderful. Went down to dinner, stood in que reading, and got food. Sat with the others as they were finishing up. Hate that lunch ladies serve us and we don't get to pick our portions of stuff, we just pick what we want and SPLAT. A little bit of good talk but I was mainly too hungry to notice. We were then told to scamper off by the workers. What IS it with UoR and everyone being in a hurry with meals? Sheesh!

So I went out and joined the drinking party. I sat in a corner and read and had a nice time. Max came up and introduced himself. He questioned my major, my home, and my non-drinking. Asked if it was religious. I said no, I just don't like it. He mentioned something about trying it anyway and then went off. I smiled and read and observed some more. Two other girls came up to me, one named Laura and missed the name of the other. Another came up named Gemma. They were nice. Eventually they went off to search for a friend and meet others.

Max came up to me again and told me I should go meet people. I said I was. He said I hadn't move. I told him I didn't frequently do that. He laughed judgmentally. He asked me if I really wasn't going to drink, I replied no. He said I should give it a try. I attempted to politely decline. He offered to buy me a drink, I shook my head with a kind no thank you. He exclaimed, "Come on, it's uni!" and I glanced around at the drinking games and hollering and thought, "Well, this is no uni I came for." He told me to go meet people. I sat for a bit more and then went off to see if Kate was visible, then headed off to my room.

It wasn't terrible. It just wasn't my scene. People trying to beat others at chugging beer and placing cups on their heads? Interesting to watch, sometimes, but I wasn't really interested.

I came up to my room and started crying. I want classes to start. I want to start learning about societies. But I'm also so nervous about classes and professors and work. I hope I'm good enough. I want to do well at this.

I looked at the pictures of my smiling teachers, but then concluded that high school was different. Tried to remember that I have always done well, and settled on the fact that it was all easy. It was pretty terrible. I DO miss having friends. I'm just not thrilled about making new ones at present, and it disturbs me how disinterested I am in it. I've always been pretty good at making friends--I've had no trouble before. I don't imagine I would have trouble now.

The drinking thing, for one, throws me off; also the fact that I've been feeling so very anti-social lately. But I also don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been able to write more--no fiction, no fictionalized nonfiction, no thank you letters, no long emails, no anything. No drawing. No singing. No dancing. Just reading, and that nap I took, and I guess walking around.

I am frightened to admit to myself that I'm not happy. But even if I do, I know that doesn't mean I CAN'T be happy. It scares me that I don't feel homesick, but I do feel some sort of sickness... I picked up a chestnut on the tour and felt its smooth surface. I thought of Ms. Watson's botany and plant identification classes, and thought of how badly I wanted to be back with learning. Not even with her (though that would be lovely, but not possible), but just learning. Only I'm so frightened that this time it's going to be much too hard for me and I won't be able to manage, because I've never been really challenged before.

So I've had on and off bouts of crying. I changed into my PJs. Kate came in to give me my cord and I almost started crying when she questioned me on the evening. It felt alright to cry hard, though. I hate that every time I cry I think of someone in particular.

I haven't known what to do with myself, so I've pretty much just wasted in front of my computer for the day. Mum and Da got Skype but I didn't really want to talk to them on it because I had been crying and all. It was weird to see the computer room through Skype.

I feel I am still in The Waiting Place, and I am overwhelmed with what I have to do to get out. I have no idea what I'm doing for the next week.
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