January 8th, 2013

Rainbow || Dark umbrella.

(no subject)

You know what just isn't fair? Chronic pain with flares of extra pain isn't fair.

I was so happy again. Happy and home and welcomed and loved. Reading fanfic and getting distracted down in the kitchen until I've spent an hour chatting with my platonic life partner who's about to head across the country for a week starting tomorrow morning. Just, joyous.

And then the pain will set in without warning and I'll feel this sudden need to be on the floor. Then I'll be on the floor and still squirming around, trying to find just one position that doesn't hurt, all the while keeping up my laughter and jokes because that's how I function.

It hurts. Somehow both ice and fire up and down all of my leg, toes up to hip and up to the small of my back, and I can't fix it.

And it's not fair because I was so happy. And it's not fair because it's just not fair and there's nothing I can do about that either because it's just the way it is.

I don't usually post stuff like this. I don't usually tell people when I'm in pain (yes, I know, scold me all you want: it gets tiring saying the same old thing after a while when there's nothing one can do, unfortunately! I hate making people feel helpless) but even my whole house knows now, because I actually told. I'm contorting and holding my leg and I've tried heat and cold and all positions.

Usually I'm all adjusted to my situation. But there are bad days, and often they're bad days all around for it, but today is so frustrating because my brain just wants to be happy. It is happy. It's my body that's hurting. It's not my brain at all, or it wasn't, not until this pain started up and it's so hard to think of anything past it. I know that if the pain were to go away in this next instant I'd be back to ecstatic immediately; other bad hip days my brain would still be pained by the situation--my lot in life--after the pain left.

I'm not sure I've had a day like this before, in which my body and brain were so completely at odds. Perhaps the last day of junior year in high school--something like six days before my hip replacement--when I was so happy to have finished the school year and to be spending the day with my friends, but my dying hip was in so much pain that my body knocked me out and right into sleep on my friend's sofa, while I was wearing the Hawaiian shirt for our "corny Hawaiian celebration".

But I'm hurting too much for even the passing out right now; I couldn't sleep through it if I tried. I have no idea what started this. I didn't fall or do anything strenuous and there doesn't seem to be snow on the way. It's everywhere and my brain isn't really working. Trying to speak is hard. Keeping up a train of thought as I post this is hard.

Not really sure why I'm doing it. I guess I journal from my brain so often--how my brain is doing, what it's thinking, what it's feeling--that this is my body's turn, because for once it feels so very different from my brain when they're otherwise either in tandem or at least able to converse about it. This is my body writing up an entry.

I'm 22 years young and I hurt and all I want to do is be able to walk more than three blocks without pain and I want to be able to forget that I have a body as I sit reading excellent Harry Potter fanfic and goofing around with friends.

And it's not fair. It's not fair and there's nothing I can do to change it beyond learning how to deal with it in my mind and posting isn't going to change it but here it is.

Am I going to hit the x button on this tab? Am I going to hit the 'post to' button? I don't know. I want to be hugged and snugged and petted; I want to cry and scream and grow a third leg to kick things; I want to curl up away from everyone and caterwaul until things change. I don't know what I want beyond my body to go back to equilibrium again and give me another break. I hate what pain can do to me.

It isn't fair.

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]