December 22nd, 2012

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I don't know if this post is coming from sleep deprivation, the day I've had, or a combination, but it wants to come out.

This week I've volunteered at a coffee house and been reminded that I am a fast learner and a good worker; I've helped out with the interdenominational and multicultural holiday pageant at my congregation; I've attended a memorial bell tolling for innocent victims of my country's political problems and what the depth of anger and sadness can be all over again and that I am a gentle and angry person; I've attended a winter solstice ritual and understood fully that I am one of the adults and can be welcomed--am welcomed--as a young member the way I know I would welcome those who come after me; I've danced on stage as a sexy Ms Claus and run around the audience handing and throwing out candy; I've sat vigil through the longest night to greet the dawn and welcoming the new light of the year; I've put these things in one sentence and paragraph because they seem very connected to me and I am not the least bit self conscious of it.

I get these moments so rarely, these moments of feeling full in who I am and not stuck in ideas of what I'm lacking or what I could become in the future. Just me, here and now, vulnerable and strong in self at the same time. I'm just going to write it down so it's here.

I am beautiful and worthy of the love around me and full of love myself and clever and compassionate and spiritual and sexy and complex and witty and filled with laughter and deep with an understanding of the emotions that run beneath the skin and intelligent and fun and big in a good way and full of words worth hearing. I have been through a lot and had to learn how to be a child again, how to find that part of me that was hibernating and bring it forth, and I have found the mirth and wonder that keeps me young at heart; I can be older than my years and steady in the still and serene moments, and sometimes wise enough to know that a person can very well be both and that I am included in that. Perhaps through what I have been through and perhaps through what I was born or raised as and perhaps through both and more, I have learned to be enthusiastic about living and to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.

I have learned to be vulnerable, I have learned about the hard strength of stiff-lip bravery and the soft strength of earthy yielding and support, I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve and the truth on my lips, I have learned to take risks and to settle in where I know I feel true happiness, I have learned how something one loves can be painful sometimes but still very worth loving and sometimes that it is best to let it go.

I don't know how long this moment will last. I hope it will be one that lies dormant inside me for when I need it. At the ritual we moved and chanted together (I couldn't do the movement and walked in a circle around the others as they moved, but felt little emotional pain despite the physical) and put our energy into banishing what we didn't want to take with us into the new year. Into a pine cone. I said, "I banish insecurity and stifling self-doubt," and placed the pine cone into the fire. I will try to keep moments like these close to my heart--and to my mind, which is far more critical.

I'm going to go give the dog (who has warmed right up to me and is sleeping halfway on the sofa and halfway on my lap) a quick breakfast and head to a "solstice sunrise breakfast" with one of the women from the ritual. I'm not really sure what one might respond to this entry, but that is quite fine, because I can say with all my heart (and mind!) in this moment that it's alright: the validation is coming from inside. It feels very strong that way.

What a day. What a life. I am so blessed. So very, very blessed and full in the best possible way. I used to think I must have done something wrong in past lives--if they existed--to end up with precocious puberty and bullies and a broken hip and operations and a replacement and chronic pain. But with all of my life, I think instead that I am blessed beyond belief, certainly beyond my belief.

Blessed be. Merry meet and merry part, and merry meet again. (:

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
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