July 23rd, 2012

Nature || Forest of light.

(no subject)

No surprise here, I've been staving off freakouts about much in my life at the moment (jobs or lack there-of, being not-completely-able-bodied but not-disabled-enough for it to 'count', this job I signed on to do for a friend that is completely out of my major and interests, and so on).

One of the things I've been trying not to freak out about but occasionally freaking out about anyway is the "Interweave Summer Service" this year. (My religion tends to take the summer off for regular services and just host little informal gatherings; it's one of the draws to our faith. :B) Our minister asked me to join the "worship committee" (runs summer services and some things during the year) because I have experience creating/running services and talking before the pulpit, so I said yes; our minister asked if the Interweave Committee (a LGBTQQIAPP [AKA alphabet soup] and ally group) was going to run another summer service this year, and since we didn't have enough services to run, I said yes. (We had one planned for last year but it fell through.)

Which means, really, that I am to run one of the summer services by myself. I've sent emails to Interweave all about the topic ("Unitarian Universalism and Sexuality") and requested speakers or any other sort of help; while there has been some interest and some "I may write something", no one has committed to anything. So for the moment it's all me. Hello, being out of my element! So I guess I've got to write an extra-long sermon (instead of a 'sermonette' which I am used to) on my experience as a cradle-UU (raised completely Unitarian Universalist) with my various identities and things that impact my sexuality, from my body hair to my orientation and likely-polyamory. Which, granted, is stuff I like talking about. But I also have to choose the opening words, the benediction, the chalice-lighting words, the music, whatever else, and run the discussion afterwards. All as I am working as the 'coordinator' of the worship committee by making sure the electronics work and the building is unlocked and a few other tasks I have to look up.

It's a lot. I've been sweating it, since the service is in three weeks. Today I sent out an email asking the worship committee if they thought it would be acceptable for me to forward the email I sent to Interweave out to the congregation as a whole, as well (introducing the topic as more than just a 'blerb', inviting anyone to get involved since everyone has some involvement with sexuality and we're all UUs). One of the women got back to me and, after a quick exchange, wrote this:

Your service will be wonderful! - no doubt in my mind. [Minister] knows her people. You are great for this committee! Relax, breathe. Sending you good energy! (-; love and hugs, [T]

I started crying. I forget how seldom I just let myself relax, instead of splashing around in this tide-pool of tension, and just breathe.

Just breathe.

That is something I absolutely do not do enough. I unconsciously breathe--the sort of inhalation and exhalation that keeps me alive without thinking--but I do not consciously gift my body with breathe and think, "Here, this is what living really is: breathing. Breathe it in, breathe it out; keep living."

Funny how I can forget something as important as breathing. Guess it's time to take out the meditation pillow again, eh? (Such a thing really shouldn't be put away, to be honest.)