July 20th, 2012

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

So...do you lot get those days during which you feel sick to your stomach and think jumbled-up icky things like, "I suck at everything and I have no skills and no one should listen to me because I have nothing of value to say but don't seem to shut up and no wonder I don't have confidence in myself since I can't do anything right or well and why do these silly people have faith in me because I am clearly just going to disappoint them and how did I even fool them into thinking I was capable or competent and ugh the world is clearly meant for people who are better at this living thing than I am since I fail" or, you know, something similar?

If you do, what do you do when one has grabbed at you and won't let go? I've noticed a significant lack of adults hiding under blankets/tables crying and hugging themselves/their stuffed toys, so presumably you all find something more grown-up to do than yield to those urges (or don't get them, which would be completely foreign to me). Am I less of an adult if I yield a bit, make myself a little temporary fort, and cry with my teddy bear for a while? (I do consider myself less of an adult for forgetting my teddy bear hundreds of miles away for a long-ish vacation.)

I am having one of those days and have the feeling, with the end of this vacation coming, that I am entering into one of those weeks or times or whatever other time-slot-here.

It's funny because the biggest symptoms came on when a trusted real-adult sent me a message telling me she had been urged to get me to apply for this Unitarian Universalist (my religion) job at a congregation, and was there anything she could do to convince me to do so? I researched the job description--which I actually know well, and just needed confirmed in my head--and just melted down into a puddle of failtastic goo.

(And, for the record, the job is something I can't do--or won't do, more specifically, since it would mean giving up my home congregation and the youth I've bonded with to commute and work for this other congregation further away. In this time in which everything is changing and I'm frightened shiteless, I really need my home community around me. I will also have no car of my own for the commute. The "won't" and "it's not possible" feelings are currently saving me from facing the full brunt of the "I swear I can't" and "why did people think it was a good idea to let me loose in society?" feelings.)

I have a to-do list. It's not super helpful if even after I knock something off the list, I'm freaking out that it's not up to scratch and I've failed everything and everyone and myself--even for fun things like fandom.

Ugh I hate failtastic days. This is basically the same as my Facebook post, but in Livejournal speak--which is to say, less "ahhahhah I'm sneaking real life concerns into this humorous post, look how funny and well-adjusted I actually am!" Because, uhm, I'm not?

I also promised myself that I'd stop posting these in-the-moment-I-have-these-feels entries unless they were short ("I am having a brainfail day of epic proportions, can someone feed my ego-lion?") or funny ("Is building a fort an adequate response to life, y/y?") but I have not succeeded. So hello, Livejournal, these are my feels that I am sharing with you (and tumblr talk, apparently: having "all the feels" means having "all the feelings" and it devolved from there).

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Right. Retail therapy isn't always awesome, but, erm, I was on the verge of fail!brain freak-out and instead I a) paid my student loan; b) checked my bank account without wincing; c) checked up on a few things that needed checking up; d) wrote up a "blerb" and a group email I needed to write up for summer service; e) did not freak out when a deadline was closer than it had appeared; and f) accepted that what I'd written was perfectly reasonable despite not being perfect--and ultimately that it did not and I did not suck.

So when I saw that there were rainbow-long-haired-userheads?

I snagged one.

99-cent self-validation and congratulations didn't seem like too much.

*Flips her virtual rainbow hair and resists the urge to smack bubble-gum, which would drive her batty anyway.*