May 10th, 2012

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I think it's time for another "Kiwi Comes Out" post, because while I'm always out out out with my raging (not-super-active) gayness, I'm not always out with other stuff. I tend to think that, when people are able and willing and find supportive communities, they should be able to (and encouraged to) come out with the stuff that may be a bit tricky or requier courage but can be a great act for bonding, solidarity, education, and all sorts of great stuff. Since I've always been the (or one of the) rainbow-garbed, outspokenly-supportive dude(s) of the group when it comes to just about anything--gayness, feminism, sex-positivity, polyamory, sexual expression and fantasies, body hair, whatever--I wanted to continue that online.

I'm going to try not to make this post super long since I have an Accountability Partner (Clover) for room-cleaning and we have both promised to clean our rooms by Friday (tomorrow) and keep each other accountable. Although Clover will know what has distracted me. :B [Post-writing comment: I failed. But I like the post, so tough beans, Kiwi: go clean your room.]

I am not LJ-cutting all of this post because while the actual items of the topic I discuss are NSFW, I think the discussion itself is SFW (unless you are at work and have people with hawk eyes around who will see the word "porn" from yards away). I also wouldn't say this post is blatantly sexual; there is a paragraph or two about my personal relation to porn, but I wouldn't say any of it is rated highly or would make people who know me uncomfortable. I just want to stress that. As I was writing this post, I kept in mind that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable--although I found that what I wanted to write really wasn't the sort of thing to make most people uncomfortable, I think. I also wanted to take a step back into being more open about this because I used to be, before I entered more into the LJ fandom world. I suppose I could make a filter if you all would like, but I'm not sure how often I'll write on any of this and I find filters to be a bit of a headache for me--but I'll respect requests, if a number of you don't like the idea of skipping over anything that might make you uncomfortable. I don't personally think anything here is triggering; I certainly hope not. This post is also about sex education, comfort and sexual self-esteem, some of my new sheroes, and a few other things. I guess in a way I'm trying to say "please don't just dismiss this, because it's surprisingly important to me".

Here's a first step to the coming out: Through the years, I have 'researched' porn. I don't say 'watched' porn because, really, I wasn't watching it with any sort of enjoyment; I was researching porn to find some that, please please please fingers crossed, wouldn't make me cringe and close my browser. (I also say 'researched' with quotes because it wasn't the sort of research with hypotheses, gathering data, using statistics, or drawing conclusions. People do real research on porn; at the moment I am not one of them.) Now, I'm fine with the fact that my personal preference for erotic displays is mostly written: erotica. I've been reading that (and my parents have been buying me books of that) since I was 14/15. It can be pretty great. And fanfic is free. So that's yay!

But I had to think that, with the decades of industry production and the amount around now, there had to be some things around that wouldn't make a real lesbian (or at least me) cringe. Even if it was just some small proportion of it--it'd be a small proportion of something huge, which is pretty significant. Especially given that I'm into a lot of things (something I'm aware of because sex hasn't been a Big Taboo Thing in my life). I just drew the line at terrible acting that made me doubt my own humanity, women who were clearly not into it, talon-like nails (I am less squicked by somewhat-long nails now, but real talons still make me wince), and this idea that serious=sexy so no smiling, laughter, or anything the slightest bit silly.

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So there is another section of the "Kiwi Comes Out" saga. Maybe I'll see you back some time? (: Also, with this post I would love to know who has read some of all of it, just out of personal curiosity; of course I always love comments, but if you have read and wouldn't find yourself normally leaving a comment, could you leave something simple like a heart (♥) or an X? (They wouldn't mean anything particular, I promise, I just know that some people don't like leaving one or the other! :Þ)
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I am setting out to watch all of the "Tuesdays with Nina" videos, because I love her, what she talks about, and how she talks about it!

If any further proof to why I love Nina is required, I just watched the First "Tuesdays with Nina" video and it was wonderful. I loved the way she talked about consentual sex and clarified that having sex to cause pain is about having sex to deceive/lie/emotionally harm/hurt someone (or which leads to dishonesty that does), rather than BDSM. BDSM = yay! Hurting people intentionally and without consent = boooo.

I'll be watching more of those, definitely.

But first I'll be doing laundry, because life is always pesky and gets in the way of things.

(So I guess I'll be talking about sex and sex education more freely now, the same as I will now freely admit that I've got fuzzy pits and legs? I suppose if that's a problem then it's a problem, and we can sort it out. But sometimes I just have to give myself the freedom to say "this is my journal" and not worry about other people, even if I hate the idea of "driving people off". I suppose, then, we can talk about it? Also, I know myself to be considerate enough to never just have Random Naked People pop up in my journal without adequate warnings, and I don't see myself posting actual pornographic videos/images [although perhaps links, especially to fanart, since I'm still in fandom], and I think I'm versed enough in triggers to know what to put behind cuts; hopefully trust in that will be enough.)

I also totally forgot to mention that watching erotic videos makes me want to write more, which is a Good Thing. Yay smut!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Someone mowed my lawn.

Which, granted, awesome!

What confuses me is that while I did recognise the sound of "oh hey someone on my street is mowing zir lawn, I should do that some time", I did not recognise the sound of "oh hey my lawn is being mowed."

A further puzzling matter is the fact that I am the only one in the household at the moment (beside my pug, who I would not put to the task of mowing the lawn lest he mow the mudroom instead).

So, a mystery person has mowed my lawn in the absence of my family members or of any personal effort from yours truly.

The conclusion of which is still "awesome!" with a little bit of "huh?" and the ultimate deductive conclusion that one of my parents must have paid someone to do it (or less deductive: we have one highly-powered, industrial Brownie whom I should lure to my bedroom with honey) and that it all occurred without my knowledge.

Oblivious Kiwi is oblivious.
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