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Kiwi Crocus
01 March 2012 @ 04:27 pm
I am fine now. I am good. Calm, settled, okay--perhaps even edging toward wonderful.

Here is why.Collapse )

I still have my Rosethorn. She wants me in her personal life beyond the Aggie; it feels like validation. My heart is saying, "Thank goodness." She was my favourite teacher (she may be my Rosethorn, but she taught like Professor Sprout, and it was exactly what I needed); she was one of my favourite people in high school and has been since in life. And I matter enough to keep beyond her "graduation" - retirement. She's even still keeping her eye out for me.

I matter. I am worth keeping and caring. I could cry.
Kiwi Crocus
01 March 2012 @ 11:49 pm
Four Joys and a ConcernCollapse )

This post has been open for hours now. I've been up to a lot of nothing, but enjoyed my evening thoroughly.

I think tomorrow I'm going to start consciously working on not being so sensitive, especially since that tends to incorporate the self-esteem thing that I'm also trying to work on. I may even start up with positive affirmations of myself. Historically they have made me roll my eyes--even when they were suggested as something to do before hip replacement--but I've heard they help, and I really have had enough of this. Even just saying "I matter" in the last post was huge for me, and it felt good. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "My face looks pretty today," but I never say it, and never as an "I" statement; I think starting things like that will help. "I look pretty today." Re-reading a section of story and saying, "I really like the way I wrote that section; I like the way I wrote those character voices."

Just, letting those rare moments of self-love become louder, in that I actually speak them--if only because it takes longer to think and then speak them, and that's another few seconds without bad thoughts. (Well, except the immediate "no I'm not" comment, but those are automatic kick-back reflexes and I can usually roll my eyes at them. I'm a very practised eye-roller.) Affirming myself loud enough to hear.

Plus the regular 'work to not take things personally', 'think through the reasons behind the emotions and see if it's just leftover from the past', and 'have some other pleasant thought to immediately jump into instead'. Perhaps I'll make a list. Or a flow chart. But I want to start working on this more seriously, because I can't really jump out of my mind--no matter how much I want to sometimes.