December 21st, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I finally finished Daria (except the two films, Is It Fall Yet? and Is It College Yet?) and it filled me with all sorts of Thinky Thoughts.

I've been watching these series since...sophomore, junior year of high school? Slowly, bit by bit, often starting over rather than picking up where I had left off. I think it was something I needed during my time of pre-plotted education. I'm glad to have had a show that I really relate to, more than any other show; I can always revisit it.

It's strange being back in this room that has been mine since first grade and knowing that the next time I move out of it I am Moving Out. (Which isn't to say I'll never be back in it, since these days many a grown child ends up back in parental stead.) The winter has always been my time of introspection and thoughts about the line(s) of life; I can recall thoughts I had standing in the same spot in the room as I looked over it through the years. As I considered the state of my emotional and physical body, my thoughts and my plans. Very strange experience.

I think I needed to finish Daria around now. The last episode really hit home for me, as one of those Other children. The 'oddball'. I had a similar path, from the 'weird' little girl who didn't relate with or find interest in her peers and read a lot (to the point that others thought I was developmentally challenged) that turned into the nonconformist teenager who adapted a cynical view of the world and a sarcastic presentation to hide what was actually inner hope and sensitivity in the face of difficult surroundings. They're both going to keep on living inside me, whoever and whatever I become. I sit and think of the cast of characters that got me to where and who I am.

For some reason I often think back to 9th- or 10th-grade English, with Mr. Dufualt asking for a building that was a proper noun. I didn't put my hand up - I seldom did - but he called on me, and I didn't need to look down at my homework to know what building I had written. "The Unitarian Universalist Association Headquarters in Boston," I said. I remember how he smiled as he responded, "Most students would just say, 'The Empire State Building' but no, not our [Kiwi]!" He used to love my vocabulary sentences on tests. Endless marking, he used to say, and mine always drew a laugh--a dark humour sort of laughter, his favourite. He told me to never stop writing, so I didn't and I won't.

A meme I was considering a bit ago asked me when I had last felt aggravated and happy at the same time. I'm realising that thoughts of high school can inspire that in me--sometimes both, sometimes one, along with a number of other emotions. Schooling in general, really. It's my personal version of the 'women' or 'men' quote: schooling--can't live with it, can't live without it. I'm going to try 'without' for a while. I already miss it; I doubt I'll last long.

I'm not really going anywhere with this; I don't think that's quite the point. I guess this is just some respect for the oddball, nonconformist, sarcastic, over-observant writer chick I was in high school...and the hypersensitive, unique little girl who came before her. Comfort in the knowledge that 'fitting in' isn't everything. Not that I need the justification. Just another one of those Moments that I am feeling rather deeply and leaves me shivering.

Off to the Dreamlands with me, now. Tomorrow will hopefully be a productive day for me. Or, 'today' since it's 5.11am. I never will get this Sleep thing down right, will I?