November 24th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Today while I was sleeping my mother cleared out a low bookshelf she wasn't using in her room and brought it to mine, then transferred some of the shite from my bed into it in hopes that I would unearth my mattress to put it under my thin futon pad. She thought I would be all upset with her for touching my stuff. (Historically speaking, that's somewhat accurate, but it's often because she touches my stuff in my view, which is not only classified as 'touching my shite' but also 'invading my space' and 'bugging me.' I am not as annoyed when I am not there to witness it.) Instead I was pretty thrilled.

I managed to manoeuvre everything around until my mattress was free and then place it where my makeshift bed has been. Now my room looks bigger and I'll have an easier time going through everything.

There is masking tape on the bottom shelf of the bookcase and I can tell I once wrote "LEGOS" (from the beginning of my copy-Faja's-writing phase). The L had been ripped off, so instead I had this sign reading "EGOS" beneath a good number of my books. I don't know what it says about the person that I am that I found that somehow profound and also hilarious.

My uncle has arrived. He was locked out of his car for a while at a highway plaza but managed to get here with Triple-A's masterful unlocking skills. We all did crafts downstairs, which was rather entertaining. He's downstairs sleeping on the floor now. (It is not because we don't provide him proper accommodation. Every time we make him up a bed - this time I did it for him myself - and somehow he always ends up sleeping on a floor somewhere. We have some strange characters in this family. [Pot-kettle-black-what?])

I made it through an old box and an old basket of cards and letters - birthdays, graduations, hip replacement, other operations, random - and put them away into my card collection or my 'special snailmail'. Many made me smile, some were painful, others made me notice how people drift, some made me think like 'good gods you have a child now and you're younger than I am!' Mainly it just reminded me to be grateful and to let others' kindness in, as well as to trust myself in that I have always before taken the paths I needed to take. Or ended up on them with some help from Senorita Serendipity and Lady Luck - whatever. (;

I was also struck by how lucky I feel to have gone to a high school like the one I did. I notice little pieces of my high school woodworking around the house, sometimes, but I have four main pieces up in my room, two of which went to England with me through the years (both boxes, both held snailmail). A stool, an open-roofed birdhouse/container and two top-pull-open boxes. I also recall that my mother has a little basket I made downstairs and a little wooden heart. It's funny, too, that I left little fandom hints in them - my OTP, Rosethorn/Lark (sorry HP!). Anyway, it's great to see how my craftmanship improved through the years. Also to remember that with one of the boxes (the one that purposefully slants down for a smaller container), I messed up in not sanding one part of the wood enough so that it rubbed against another part when opened (though it still works). I was told, "Oh, you won't even notice when you're out of school! And if you do you won't care!" I rolled my eyes. But there was the self-trust, for I am out of school, I noticed, and I cared (though not in a blaming way - more in an 'I'm tempted to go sand that' manner); I also see that I missed a direction and didn't fill the nail holes with wood putty - naughty!Kiwi. Must have finished early for the day and written fanfic. Anyway, I cleared the cards out of it and am thinking that now I'll try to keep it near my desk and have whatever snailmail projects I'm working on in it. The other box holds my special snailmail. I'll find something to do with the green-painted-and-steelwool-patterned birdhouse/open-topped box. The stool, I'm sure, will allow my short little leggies some rest.

I realised, as I lugged my stuff around today, that most of my room-remix events (in which I clean and move everything around) tend to happen approaching or during winter. I think that's where a lot of the resistance was coming from - it wasn't my natural order to be rearranging things before when my body clock tells me to. (I'm like a bear in my habit of nesting/hibernating in the winter or like a deciduous in my resting and relaxing in winter before my revival in spring. But it's more active than both of those, more of an inner journey/appreciation of the year past and to come and life.)

I also thought that, I were any other species/type of critter, I would always be a small one (a small whale shark or blue whale, a small elephant, a small moose - keeping in mind the bell curves of normality, rather than a mutant pygmy!Kiwi of any one species). I tend to think of them as resilient, more about strength through quick sticktoitiveness against fast competition, at least in the comparative timeline of life; I think their strength is in doing. Whereas I think if I were a tree, I would be tall or at least big, as I tend to think of them as possessing perseverance, a slower strength through durability in slow competition and the building of community; I think their strength is in being. (If I were a non-tree plant, who knows - maybe I'd have hidden thorns but tasty fruit.) I'm beginning to think my strength is more in being than in doing - that I have deep reserves of it (I quote my therapist; I seldom directly think I am strong but this is to entertain thoughts) to be and keep on being, rather than bouts of it to do and keep on doing. I have also never minded sharing whatever strength I might have (as a resting place, a talking point, gentle encouragement) for the doers. I'm coming upon a 'doing' point in my life, one of those transitions of choice and searching for opportunities, which is a touch frightening for me. But if I remember my 'being' strength, I should be alright; and if I keep that self-trust around, I should be more than alright - often just where I need to be, even if a touch painful.

Alright. I have been having a thinky day, so it only makes sense that that is reflected here. It's been a while since I've thrown pure mindgoo at the lot of you, I think, so there we go! HUZZAH, FLINGING THE MINDGOO EVERYWHERE! RAINBOW MINDGOO STORM!

I'm going to go talk with my invisible unicorn friend and try to sleep before my first American Thanksgiving Day in three years tomorrow. Happy T(of)urkey Day to those celebrating - or being forced to! Finding something to be thankful for - even a minute alone in the loo to read - often makes any day, including this one, better. (; I shall leave you with an adorable video and off I go!

(Also, this elephant likes blowing bubbles, so I refuse to feel silly when my friends giggle at me for my enjoyment of blowing bubbles into my drinks. I am an elephant. My love for elephants is endless. Elephants are excellent [and amazing].)