September 21st, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Once upon a time, in the days of Not-Too-Long-Ago, I was a student (hah hah hah ouch). In my final year of studenthood, I wrote a dissertation. To help and guide me through this process, I had a dissertation supervisor; to keep my sanity (reasonably) in check and to offer support, I had a dissertation partner.

One day, during our traditional post-dissertation-meeting get-together, my partner Claire(bear) presented an entertaining little anecdote about our dissertation supervisor.

"He asked me why I wouldn't want to include his suggestion," she told me, rolling her eyes slightly as if I would know precisely why. She looked rather upset. "I told him, 'well...wouldn't that be a little boring?' He said, 'Claire, this is not a racy novel!'"

I hooted out my laughter and hurried to place my drink elsewhere. "Then we should write a racy novel. In the novel you would sit in the meeting with a loosely-fitted jacket and he would look at you--eyes wide with exasperation and one brow arched--and say, 'Claire, this is not a racy novel,' and you would reply, 'Are you sure?' as you slide open your jacket to reveal a corset."

We indulged this fantasy for a while.

The other day, Clairebear mentioned that she was writing a chapter of a racy novel inspired by that moment. She told me she would post it to me with a couple of her old poems for commenting and furthering (goodness knows she has more faith in my supposed literary prowess than she should).

I received the parcel today. It contained a hilarious letter, a few poems and a chapter of a book: A Racy Novel by 'Undiscovered Literary Genius'.

I am so amused. Although I am surprised that it stars Nola (clearly me) and Summer (clearly her) and that we hook up in the end for Professor Supervisor's voyeuristic tastes (I never want to see 'Professor' and 'spent' in the same sentence with him in mind again, unless it's 'spent money').

I'm not concerned at our characters getting it on since it's fictional, designed to be racy and she's almost-entirely straight with a long-term monogamous boyfriend whom I have met and very much liked (as does she, and as she mentioned in her letter, she has just restocked her contraceptives). I'm thinking, though, since she put me in the primary sexual role around the Professor, I'll get her back by letting her and a boyfriend!character get a little exhibitionistic. Or maybe a dominatrix!Nola.

So my friend basically sent me erotica of our lives. What even is my life? And when did it become meta?

In other news, when I was feeling extra-super-duper down the other day my grandmother gave me 'play money' and she loves it best when I use it on silly little things for myself. I went to Savers (giant thrift store) to search for pantsuits, with which I have entered into a budding relationship.

No luck in that department. But I did find a Carebear pillow with Cheer Bear (the rainbow-tummy one) and "Have a rainbow day!" which is incredibly me. Oh, and these too:

I thought you all might be interested in them. Aren't they bewitching? (Despite that I was very much wearing The Wrong Socks as I was dressed for my Docs.)

So now I have to try to stop moping and eating peanut M&Ms, change out of my jammies even without the intention of leaving the house and get things done. Like smut. Smut always need doing, or for those who prefer not to do the doing, it at least needs writing.

And when the pain of knowing that my relationship with Clairebear is now letters and Facebook and Skype rather than almost daily in-person interaction, I'll be busy doing things that need doing. It's okay to sit down in my old rocking chair and hold myself together for a minute, to breathe it all in and exhale it back out again, but what I've been doing lately isn't what works for me.

No more moping, Kiwifruit (or at least a heck of a lot less). Claireyfairy would want that, wouldn't she?

Sail Escapism Seas.
n. A mental diversion to retreat from unpleasant realities through fantasy.
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Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Caught up on Livejournal quite a bit and catching up on Tumblr some before I settle down for some room cleaning.

I'm not sure why this little clip gets to me so much. I think it's the clear affection. I've always seen Maggie as a deeply-felt but controlled person, yet watching this clip it's clear that she can't--or won't or both--control the affection she has for Judi Dench. I love that it's zapped right back to Maggie and that we get this little taster of the laughter and fondness they shared (and still share) over Scrabble and whatever drink Maggie mentioned that my drink-dense mind missed.

Yes, I think it's that.

I don't mean to personalise it, but my mind is off off and away on a unicorn I can't catch, so here it is anyway: I was told by a dear relative the other day that I am a very Controlled Person, and that even though she can feel a warm energy/vibe from me in that I will be friendly, she always senses the clear control and boundaries--a sort of a box or a wall, almost. I think I've always known (bullied children often create self-containing walls for self-preservation and they're hard to shake) but it was my first time hearing it mentioned so clearly; that knowledge of myself and how I present (however unconsciously) has always saddened me some.

I guess what has been on my mind, then, and was brought to the forefront by this lovely clip, is that I hope if I were in Maggie's shoes (hah! and let's subtract the fame), my affection for my dear-heart friends would shine through, too. I would never want to be so controlled as to miss out on that.

(It was also nice to know that at this point in my life, I feel there are people I am close with who would stand up and speak on my behalf with that much clear affection, too. I hardly felt that in high school or younger years and would certainly never have had the trust or confidence to say it. It means a lot that even as I've been feeling dark, I can still feel it. I am thankful every day to have ended up with friends who will look me in the eye and say, "Kiwi, we love you--thank you for coming out!" when they know it's hard for me to leave the house.)

And now I've gone all maudlin over a Maggie clip! So much for control. (; But then, journal entries are different. Off I go for some cleaning...that should sober up my emotions real quick.

Here's to all of you, and to hoping that you have people in your lives for whom you feel this much affection and who feel this much affection for you! And that you can find trust and confidence in that! ♥
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