September 12th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I would give anything to have a friend show up in my room right now and pet my hair until I felt comfortable.

That desire makes me feel very silly.

Plus, my room is in such a state that no one could safely get into my room even through Apparition. Kiwi stuff from ages seven to much to go through.

It's my room, but it's my room with input from all those years... Right now I just want to create a room for me, 21-year-old just-post-college Kiwi, where everything has a place and (sometimes chaotic) organisation and sections and the feel of a tower-burrow at once and the feeling that I can flop anywhere and be comfortable in a space that is mine.

I'm working to create that. Little seven-year-old Kiwi is sitting on the dresser, playing with horse and unicorn figurines; 11-year-old Kiwi is crying over bullies and then getting lost in the smiles and rainbows of her inner day-dream sanctuary; 15-year-old Kiwi is frowning and glaring and writing the pain of her dying hip into novels and role-plays; 17-year-old Kiwi is giggling, writing letters and watching Harold and Maude. I don't mind any of it, but I'll enjoy the vivid memories more when I'm experiencing it from a room that feels like me.

I've always re-organised this room after transitions; it was one of the ways I would realise I had experienced it. I think random room-recreations happened about once a year, some simpler and some that turned my room upside-down (well, not quite, but I would have if I could have!). I just need to do it again...but it feels harder this time than it has ever felt before, which is understandable. I'm trying.

Until then, I don't really feel I have a place. Having a place is very important to me.

Uh, yeah, post-graduation blues are pretty thoroughly kicking my arse right now. There's that. I'm not feeling as hopeless as yesterday. There's that, too.

But oh, the hair-petting would do a trick. I guess I'll just have to pet my dog instead. (Oh, the life of a recent grad-of-any-level. I'm sure you've all heard and felt it all before--apologies!)

(Dear School,

It still feels weird that we've broken up--we were together for so long! Thank you for the parting gift; I'll cherish it always. You're still too intense for me right now, but I don't think I'm angry anymore... I may give you a call in a year or two or ten. We have some great memories and I'll miss you dearly. We may be able to stay friends, for you know my soft spot for textbooks...


P.S. I do miss homework a little bit. ...a lot bit. Don't tell anyone.)
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