July 1st, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It's officially July and I am still in England; that hasn't happened before. The 4th of July is going to be Just Another Day - no watching drunken fellow vacationers grill things and set off illegal fireworks. No fireworks over Long Pond in Maine.

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since Jojobird and I went out in a canoe with my grandparents and saw our first ever Bald Eagle on Independence Day.

I graduate in less than a week.

I leave the country 'for good' (in the 'not residing here any more' manner) this month.

I can't get excited about hugging and snuggling my best Stateside friends without feeling guilty and sad about how I have to leave my Teaside friends first. I know this is normal and there is nothing to do but feel it. I'm feeling it.

Tuesday I met with Mark-my-personal-tutor for the last time, just for a half hour of laughs. Today (as it's quarter to four) I meet with Nick-my-dissertation-supervisor for the last time, to give back the Goethe papers he lent me.

Thoughts make sleep difficult. I think I'll go take some melatonin with bedtime tea then try for sleep again.

It's July. It's really July. July takes like dark chocolate this year - it's all bitter-sweet.

Thinking not floating
"Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people."
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Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Tea last night was relaxing. I looked around the living room and recalled interactions with people from both years in this house. I also remembered staying up all night two nights of spring break in 2010, writing for rarepair_shorts and springtime_gen fests.

Met with Nick. He was lovely, as always. If I get one more look of disappointment/surprise soon for going for a PhD or Masters, though, I think I'm going to explode. (Nick didn't mean for his, I'm sure; it was one of those fleeting immediate reactions.) "So, what are you going to do now?" he originally asked, all innocence and interest. I avoided the question with something else. Eventually it arose again: "What are you going to do now? Though I know you don't like answering that question..." I sighed. "No, not really. I feel bad because people want to hear that I'm going to look into PhDs or getting my Masters or doing something brainy; I'm not doing that. I'm going to go work with precocious, creative teenagers at an American summer camp, then I'm going to stay with my parents as we wish my brother off to his second year of university and then I'll look into moving to Providence. Jobs, too, but not so much careers. Maybe someday when I'm more grounded in myself apart from standardised education systems - when further education would just be an extra-curricular for my life, I'll look into a PhD. For now I can't."

Thankfully he understood that and saw that it was what I needed. A lot of people go a bit mad in academic settings, but I go crazy - in a bad way - and it's because my identity is too invested; I need to take a step back. When I can trust my sense of self is more inherent and comprehensive, I can journey back. His one statement on that was, "don't wait too long, or you'll start getting old..." with a chuckle. We spoke about being the sort of people who need a university in the area. He hoped having a first class honours degree would be something I wouldn't be able to doubt; he clearly hasn't taken note of my ability to doubt myself. *Shakes head and laughs.* I'm trying, really I am! I'm trying not to feel like a little bumpkin girl who made it through this by luck of faerie dust and unicorn laughter. Meeting with Nick for a last time was nice, anyway.

Sat in Palmer G10 (one of the bigger lecture theatres on campus) for an hour and more despite it being dark (the stairs were lit). Listened to music and sang. Laughed to think that I had sat in the same seat at 18, in my first week of lectures as a first year. Bought a bagel from the Bagel Man (he's a celebrity on campus and incredibly well-loved) since the bagel of the day was the Boston bagel and I thought that was just right. Sat under my exam tree to eat and say goodbye to campus.

Library now. There were free children's books, so I nabbed four (no I can't help it!)...I'll try to read those before I leave my Teaside home. I've been through all my old uni emails and forwarded them go my Gmail. It was so strange to go through emails as far back as first year, first term. Copied the few things I had on my account to my mem stick. Getting ready to head back home now, after having said goodbye to campus and cleared out the accounts that will close.

I also have a picture of who I want to be when I grow up:

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Off and away with me now!

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    full Full.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I lied: it has not been 'off and away' with me.

Do you ever have those moments that you just want - or need - to scream, not out of frustration or anything bad, but out of a build up of emotions that just want to let loose? For me that is 'primal scream'. Thankfully, I don't have to do it when my body and brain want to. (: (Though I'm tempted to find the nearest pillow and scream into it, I'll admit.)

The trigger to this 'primal scream' feeling: 'Harry Potter Deathly Hallows: Part 2' new videos unveiled (posted by minervas_eule. Watching that made me shake. Excited and nervous...nervous about how I'll feel once the credits start rolling.

It dawned on me, again, that today is the last day of summer term (and thus the last day I'm really enrolled in studenthood), I graduate next week and the week after is HP7(2). The final film in the world I've been a part of since I was eight. People mention 'the end of my childhood' about this film (much like the last book) and I know the feeling, especially when it comes so close to a huge transition in my life: my first time out of standardised education. Leaving Hogwarts, in my own way, as my own Granger. With the books and films combined, I have definitely done my growing up with Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron(ald) Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Ginny Weasley and the lot.

(That and I've always been connected to the films, too, whereas some of my fan friends are really only interested in the books and seldom watch the films. For me the books and films are pretty much two separate worlds, with just this one connecting thread of being based on the same universe. And book!land does trump film!land, but that doesn't mean I don't love the films. I used to watch them over and over in high school. Knew every line to most of them.)

That is my primal scream. What are you all feeling about this film? Ideas and opinions about how you'll like it / what will be in it / what won't be in it / how good or bad it will be are accepted, of course (I try never to reject ideas and opinions), but what I'm really prompting is how you're feeling about this film and what it means to you. Have you grown up with Harry? Have you been a Minerva figure, watching the characters grow with an occasional shake of your head or chuckle? Are you Hogwarts, and you feel a bit beat up to see these characters leaving you? What does feelings does this film fire up in you?

(Now I'm off to a house party.)


"Welcome! Welcome to the new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!"
[Albus Dumbledore; TPS Chap. 17]
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