June 17th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I...I...I, um.

I have to be careful with this entry because if I don't handle it right I'll have another laughing-crying fit in the middle of the library.

I was just outside laughing-crying-singing in the rain because I needed the solitude (public places can be solitary, with no friends in sight) to handle this.

We got results today. I didn't get my full classification because my tuiton was late (I really don't mind, and I'll get into that when I'm not supposed to be scanning forms for Rowe) but we also got our dissertations back. I won't be telling most of my friends how I did but this is my livejournal and I need to feel like I'm screaming it somewhere.

Okay. No crying, Kiwi.

I got an 80 - essentially an A+. As Louise (a lecturer I'm fond of) said, "We don't just give those out." Claire also got an 80 (we have very similar dissertations; we were practically partners).

The two of us and Dave were the three top dissertations in the department - all of Biological Sciences, apparently. He got a 90...so Claire and I are jointly second. I can't even...I can't grasp anything right now. And I'm close to crying again so I'll stop now.

There will be a different entry later (either tonight or tomorrow or Sunday) I'm sure, but there we go. I am a flailing mess inside.

My first thought was I am not a fuck-up! And for this fleeting second, I had this feeling that I have never had before, this feeling that... Well, I was having a self-esteem issue for a while there, as most of you know; many of my days have been spent (successfully) trying to feel like I'm Just As Good As Everyone Else. This fleeting-second feeling, I blush to even mention, was that I might be...might be a little bit special, in some capacity, at least in the capacity that everyone is a little special for some things and today honoured my Some Thing for which I am special. It was just a second, but for the newness of it, it could have been a week or more. I think I'll fine even if I never feel it again for it was just that beautiful that the small quantity only made it more so.

Now I need to go write an email to a friend and scan some forms!

Edited to Add: I'm sorry that this comes off braggy!


Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
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