May 22nd, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I am in a self-esteem problem. (I phrased that a lot of ways prior and decided that, despite it perhaps not being right as far as prepositions and grammar, it's what feels right.)

I'm a little put out. I thought it was more of an "I am having a self-esteem problem during exam time" situation, but that's not the case. Exams are gone; the problem is still here.

I don't know how much (if any) is that I'm graduating in more'n a month, or finally being a confused 20-something outright (what I resist persists...), or having to go through all my stuff and separate from much of it, or having to leave my friends and the life I made here, or meeting people face-to-face or remembering how amazing I thought Rowe Staff were and realizing I don't feel like any small fraction of that, or not really seeing my close Stateside friends before I'm thrown into a new environment...

So, yes, I suppose there could be a number of factors. I know I can't impose a time-line on this, that that won't accomplish anything or likely be detrimental...

It's still annoying. It makes me want to hole away and not be around people, but I can't let that happen because these are my last few months here and I have some pretty big events coming up. It gives me the shivers to have such low self-esteem on all fronts, rather than just bits and pieces at different times (body parts, intelligence, wit, writing, art, singing/playing, creativity, general ability, general collective personality or person). It's overwhelming to feel it all at once.

I wish I didn't hear silence so much. I know it's ridiculous because I personally have >260 emails to respond to so I know that things come up and correspondence is dropped. Brain, please open my envelopes of logic when I slip them through the post-box, please! Yet I keep hearing silence louder than sounds. I don't think I would be if it weren't all wrapped up in the self-esteem issue, either.

Thankfully I have watched many years of graduates take these steps before me and I know I am fully entitled to being a hot dog mess. Mustard, anyone...?

(For a touch of the 'yay optimism' and 'dawr adorableness', my brother is really planning out my visit with him - visit to the Hippy Hippy [or something] Shake Shop and everything. I could have a jam doughnut milkshake. Wowza. Plus he's marching through exams with whatever motivation he can muster. I still have it in me to be proud of him, the little Dweeb. (: He's my Little Dweeb [at >6'] and I'm proud of him.)

It's best to keep your fingers crossed
'cause the beauty about getting lost
Is the unexpected creeps up from behind.

(Going Song - Zoë Lewis)

Thinking not floating
"Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people."
  • Current Mood
    embarrassed Embarrassed.