May 11th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I have been through nothing worse than what happened to me tonight. What could happen any second, if my resolve drops for just that long. There is nothing worth this. There is nothing at all worth this.

And it's still quite likely that I will fail my Mammalian Reproduction exam and module. Or it's still incredibly possible. I wish I could just accept that and go to sleep. I probably just should - give it up, because I just don't grasp this course.

I've never failed anything before. I've never had worse than a C.

I've never felt worse about myself than I have this evening. I've never been so frightened of what a monster I could be to myself. I've never cried so much over anything.

I need this to end. Nothing is worth this.

I want to cry until July. Fucking exams. And me, and my panic that prevents me from doing things right, and me for beating myself up. I fucked this one up. Not just because I didn't understand it, but because I was afraid to approach it and pushed it off pushed it off pushed it off and now I'm quite possibly going to fail.

I've never failed anything before...

But I guess there's a first time for everything. Tomorrow is going to be a living hell. I just want this to be over.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Tuesday night was hands-down the hardest night of my life; I wasn't sure that I would let myself make it to morning. I had more panic attacks than I've had total in my life, I think, and each was much stronger. I doubt I'll ever forget the feeling of my legs giving out on me, tumbling back against the counter, hugging my knees and crying in my kitchen unable to will myself up. Housemates Robert and Jacque found me at one point when I was upstairs and helped me out, but any time I was alone... It was bad. Absolutely the most terrifying amount of time I have ever experienced. But dawn came, and that was what I needed.

Crammed on my way to the first exam. Revised pollution and ecosystem services, since those seemed to come up on every exam. Saw Jo before the exam and hugged her; she called me "schmooschmoo" and pretended to lick my face. I was crying at that point, though, and explained that I had the possibility of failing my first exam later in the day. I hurried away. Made it into the exam okay. Environmental Management.

1) Describe the environmental impacts of two different types of water pollution (30 marks) and illustrate using a range of examples how legislation and voluntary initiatives in the UK are helping to prevent the deterioration of aquatic ecosystems (70 marks).

So it was in the realm of what I revised. A little unfair, though, since all other pollution question had involved water and air pollution. Plus focusing on the legislation was difficult for water, since way more regulations/legislations/voluntary initiatives were mentioned for air pollution. It was a pretty shoddy essay and I couldn't get the fact that I had another exam and two more of the next two days out of my head.

4) Answer BOTH parts of the question:

(a) Using a range of examples, discuss the importance of ecosystem services and the factors which influence their provision (70 marks).

(b) Explain the issues associated with placing a monetary value on ecosystem services (30 marks).

Another shoddy, weak essay. I was also going crazy inside. That ended the first exam of the day.

After that exam I could feel my chest constricting and the weepies/dizziness coming on. I thought I'd head to counselling services instead of having a panic attack. Met with one of the study advisers and heard mostly stuff I already knew, but having it repeated helped. Saw a peer support member as well. After that Claire called and heard I was upset as soon as I answered. We bought lunch together and she helped me go over some stuff. We went to the library and I tried to revise more, but I felt ill and dizzy and wilted and couldn't stop crying so that didn't work. Claire took me for a walk around campus and had me hug trees, then took me to my exam and told me she would sit outside. We hugged and I went into the exam. Thankfully by the time I sat down I had pretty much yielded to 'que sera sera' mentality. Mammalian Reproduction.

2. Using specific examples, explain how reproductive technologies can be used to assist reproduction in farm animals, endangered species and humans.

Possibly my strongest essay of the day, which is a little bit funny. I did my best. I outlined the next essay (what I could of it) and took my loo/stretch break with a nice woman who chatted with me.

3. Discuss the extent to which the sexual phenotype of an adult mammal is dependent upon the sexual genotype established at conception.

Four paragraphs of utter blag. I fit in the facts I could remember. Incredibly weak essay, but I tried. Hopefully I scraped enough total for a pass. I also seem to have this thing where if I know I'm writing crap and I know the teacher will twig immediately that I'm writing crap, I don't try to cover it over. My strong essays will sound incredibly scientific. Weak ones I don't tend to bother, going with the "I know this is rubbish; I know you know this is rubbish; I'm not going to even try fooling you" mentality. I left the exam hugging my teddy bear, saw Tanya and Claire outside and chatted a bit.

Claire took me home to gather my stuff, since we had decided that we would revise for our Thursday exam (Research Topics in Ecology) together. I took a tiny little nap, revised what I could, nibbled what I could consume without fear of it resurging and Claire put me to bed. I made it through my personal day from hell.

I also have the best friends in the world. That's something exams can't take from me.

Thinking not floating
"Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people."
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