May 4th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Last night I pulled a near-all-nighter to support Mark in finishing his final essay of university, so he wouldn't freak out. It felt nice to be reminded of the person I try to be.

Printed out my revision notes for my Thursday and Friday exams. Went to a last minute revision session with Simon - very informal, 4 students there. Asked a lot of general questions about exams (so good to know now!) and some more ridiculous ones (if I send a letter of gratitude, teachers won't sit there and just remember my sad marks, right?). Also turns out Duncan has left uni. Reading - which means he was only here for 3 years, and I had him each year he was here. He worked through the system with us. I think that's special.

I felt really good. I was pleased with who I was, liked the person I was.

Revision did my head in. Had a bad panic attack through Palmer Park; couldn't stop even when people saw me - had no coping methods but my own brain and that wasn't working well. Got some help from friends when I got home.

Collapse )

My friends and I also realised that at this moment, we've pretty much all gained our degree - we've got 75% of the marks (or at least done 75% of the work). This is the last quarter. This isn't what gives us our degree; this is what puts the little frillies on it, what adds weight. Exams are supposed to assess how much / how well we've learned. These exams determine what our degree is worth. It's so difficult to remove myself from that equation - what my degree is worth, just something I've done...not what I'm worth.

My expectations hurt. I sit here wondering: how did this evolve? what conditions did this adapt to? why hasn't it realised it's harmful now, and stopped? is it pestiferous - am I just plucking at stems when the roots stay stuck fast?

Now it's time for sleep. Today is the 4th of May, the not-so-merry Month of May. The real tomorrow is the 5th, the day of my first exam of final year. Fake!tomorrow is the rest of the 4th - I will spend it revising. Thinking. Breathing, I hope, because I'm sick of messing up the basics.


"Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company."
[Lord Byron]
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    groggy Groggy.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

If the right question comes up on the exam tomorrow, I'm going to end up with a pretty feminist answer. But hopefully relevant - "influence of individuals on conservation" - and noting the discrepancy between the male:female ratio of 'known conservationists' [which is a little enough pool as it is] and the global ratio male:female ratio...thus using female examples in my essay: Rachel Carson (sensible, scientific, 50s-60s, big in environmental movement, global); Julia Butterfly (modern, activist, a little 'out there', 'any publicity is good publicity') and Harriet Hemenway (late 19th century, socialite activism, created a conservation society still big today, local. And hopefully covering enough diversity in time-span, technique, effect and spatial impact (the module ends in 'global and local scale') to gain me some marks.

I would really like to write this essay. I think in the end that means more to me than gaining some extra marks for writing a more typical essay.

Now I am off to revise in the park with Roberts. (Yes, albalark, I put on sunscreen. (: See, I am learning!)

I think I can I think I can I think I can.


Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
[Robin Williams]
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    chipper Alive.