May 3rd, 2011

Rainbow || A to Z books.

(no subject)

I have a dream.

I have a dream in which a kind and lovely time!faerie (with a cool name like Astrid or Calista) flies into my room on sparkly insect wings and stares at me, rainbow arching from palm to palm, as she tells me that I am adequate and wonderful and my life will side-step my expectations and surprise me and make me happy.

I look at her and say, "You're silly."

And she stares right back at me and says, "No I'm not. Silly is your speciality."

I consider this for a moment and then nod. I decide that if she can know something like that about me, I may have to take her words more seriously. She seems to sense this and continues on.

"Don't worry so much in the Now. The future you're fearing is made up of Nows too, and truth be told - you know this deep down - you'll probably yield to those Nows, embrace the moments good bad or unlabelled, and you will be fine. The fact that you will continue to be fine - continue to be happy, even, but stand up again each time anyway - says more about you than any letter of the alphabet ever will. You'll work or dance or struggle through the future Nows, but the result is the same: you'll live them. You're excellent at living - you exceed expectations at living - and that's the real test. Don't let the future Nows put too much weight on these ones; it isn't worth it, not when you'll get through without the concern anyway. Don't worry. You will have a wonderful life (because you excel at living) and you yourself will be wonderful, even if it is often soft and quiet and understated and unnoticed; that doesn't make it any less true. Remember not to worry, but to wonder."

I look to my teddy bear - as multicoloured as the faerie - and hug it close. At last I look up. "You're still silly," I decide, blinking, "but you may be a little bit right, too."

She smiles, grins and laughter all in the lines of it too, and knows I'm not ready to say "you're right" yet, but it's somewhere in all my cells, snuggled up with my inherent sense of wonder.

(I'm coming to terms with being a B Student, that identity I avoided all through high school. I want to befriend it. I want B to stand for Brilliant and Brave and Beautiful and Brazen and Barefoot Blissful; I want being a B to be so wondrous and fulfilling that I need to spend my time getting there. That it isn't a fall from A at all, has nothing to do with falling or failing, has everything to do with Being - Being a B. If A stands for "Exceeds Expectations" as well as "Apple", then let me be a B, which will stand for "Banana" and "Brilliant Bittern" but hold no bitterness. "First is the worst! Second is the best!" [Although in all honesty I may be the line after: "Third is the one with the Treasure Chest!" (; ] I spot some humour there too; I must not be dying then. C:

I also imagine my room being clean without my cleaning it. But even I know the difference between dreams and fantasies.)


Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
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    dorky Dreaming.