May 1st, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It's back. Oh, it's back it's on it's back it's on it's *sigh.*

Nights are frightening because nights mean 'tomorrow' is riding in on the dawn.

I want to be awake during the day when I am less afraid, but when I can't sleep through the night because I'm crying or pushing down panic attacks or whimpering curled up with my teddy in bed, I can't be awake through the whole day because I need to catch the sleep.

I'm taking melatonin before sleep but it doesn't help much when my mind forces my body to forget how to breathe properly.

*Palmforehead.* Today I was crying reading through a Mammalian Reproduction lecture; I have never felt so stupid in the entirety of my life. I was reading and looking up terms and interpreting diagrams and nuttin' - nothing makes sense to me. I had to skip a quarter of the lecture purely because I didn't understand. Fantabs. Hopefully the next lecture I start on won't make me cry.

My exams start in 4 days. There have been more tears over the 'exams in x days' realisation than there were over my hip fracture, core decompression, fibula graft, bad hip news and hip replacement put together. That is so ridiculous I can't even comprehend it.

So. Do you all have any stories about classes you just couldn't twig, but got through anyway, since time just keeps marching on? (I know this too shall pass - it's a motto of mine - but it doesn't always work too well with the stubborn-minded, does it?) Would you like commiserate together?

I want to go to the beach. *Sighs and stares at icon with longing.*


They say goldfish have no memory; I guess their lives are much like mine and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. And it's hard to say if they're happy but they don't seem much to mind.
[Ani DiFranco; Little Plastic Castle]
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