April 20th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I wish exams didn't make me so fragile. I am breaking everywhere, into pieces I can stand less and less with every fracture.

Who am I?

If I am the person I have been to myself lately, then I am mean and ruthless and hard and unhelpful and critical and useless and small and incapable and stupid.

I want to curl up and cry for the next month. Only then I would fail, and I would hate myself more.

Everything is out of the bag. Exams, anxieties, the parts of myself I detest, my vulnerabilities, my inability to push myself into what hurts, my many lackings. All out of the bag, floating about, biting me to bits.

I want this to be over so badly the tears sting. I need to remember how to breathe, touch, taste, hear, smell, see, feel with my whole body and mind, unified and understanding.

I'm not enough of myself. Or enough for myself. I don't trust me.

I guess I'll go to sleep now. Even Ani DiFranco music can't fix this. Oh, go cry an ocean, Kiwi, maybe you'll bring back the fish. Just. Cryy. Moar.

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