April 9th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Claire and Jo think that the reason I didn't try anything on/buy anything during out shopping expedition was because of price and my disinterest with fashion. This is mostly true. But Jo was talking about getting me in cutoffs and Claire about getting me in certain dresses or playsuits (? 1940s?). For instance Jo picked out a bikini for me and made me try it on. I have made myself the promise that I will not be trying on any more bikinis for a very, very long time. And no cutoffs. And no short-short dresses with no leggings or jeans underneath! (Tights are a no.) I realised they were under the impression that if I saw something I liked, I would try it on...which really isn't true. All the clothes I saw were so much about showing off Legs and Arms and Cleavage and Waists and Necks and...no. (Sometimes I wish I could wear those long dresses with belled sleeves and high collars, but I'd boil.)

So I have somehow managed to give off the impression to my friends that I am quite comfortable in my own skin and love/appreciate my body. I am surprised to hear this.

Just thought I would mention, then, that it's completely not the case. I am hardly comfortable in my skin - both in there being considerable pain underneath my skin and in hating so much about my body - and, try as I might, can't love it. Some days I less-than-hate-it and am grateful for those days. Some days I can even acknowledge "now isn't that soft!" (skin) or "I can work with that" (random body part). But for the most part I keep it very covered and clothed - clothed in baggier apparel than many of my friends would like, by what they tell me. (I didn't consistently stop wearing baggy clothing until after high school.)

There's my statement on that. I try not to dwell on it on LJ because it makes my friends sad, which then makes me feel worse, so it's a bad cycle! :P I guess I'm thinking of it because soon I have to go through my clothes and get rid of AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE before I head Stateside, so it'll be a bit time for choosing what styles I go for. I've been doing alright with wearing leggings, dresses and a belt even though I usually have to wear a jacket or zip-up hoodie over it. Meh. Going to stop thinking about it now.

In other news I have now attempted a number of times to do the Seven Sins meme and can't get through the first day, even when I pretended to be someone else to fill it out first. So sorry, albalark, looks like it's a no-go! Perhaps I'll try again tomorrow. I sure don't like giving up on things very much.

And in legitimately good news, I feel incredibly comfortable around the new housemate - more comfortable, perhaps, than I did around Lora-the-old-housemate-and-Pirate's-girlfriend. It's surprising since I lived with her since our first real days of Fresher Year, so that's pretty much all of uni. But Kieren is lovely, he did and organised the dishes today (love) and he's just generally open. I don't feel as though I'm walking on eggshells or talking about the Wrong Thing around him. Plus when he was a kidling, people apparently called him "Kiwi" when they couldn't pronounce his full name - and it stuck for a while. So though it isn't his nickname now, I found a fellow Kiwi-person and that made me laugh. It's also funny having another metalhead in the house because between his music, Pirate's music and Mark's constant (very loud) singing, we have a very loud house.

Now it is bed-time despite being before 2am. Let's see if I can wake up before noon tomorrow all by myself. It's time for revision of Essential Reproduction (sixth edition) by Martin H. Johnson; it has a giant close-up egg on the cover with lots of little sperm around it. (I think that's one of the reasons I need a flisty's Child's sperm sound-effect.) I also call this class "hormones and heterosexuality" class, though I did get to teach the class about cows going bi-curious during every oestrus cycle.

P.S. I stink at sustaining happiness when academia is nibbling my neurons. I know I was told not to apologise for the content or length of my LJ (sorry, minervas_eule, albalark!) but somehow I transitioned from a 15-year-old gruff "I don't care" to a 21-year-old "I'm sorry" "Don't apologise" "Okay, I'm sorry" "Don't--!" "Sorry, stopping" annoyance. Oops. Er... *Bites the latest apology.* But I am authentically apologetic about the rollercoaster nature my LJ seems to have taken on (I see it too) with my moods plummeting and then my successful attempts to yank them up again, at which point why-hello-there-slippery-slope-aren't-you-familiar? I won't blame anyone for not commenting or not reading until after May 20th (last exam). Although then I may be in a post-student-what-now funk until goodness knows when.

You all should probably just ignore me until I'm 30, okay?


Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
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