March 20th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Let's see if I can get my brain working long and strong enough to write an entry. (Given I just had to fix the typo 'brian,' I'm thinking that's half an impossibility...)

[+] I survived Thursday. Went to 'lecture' with Jojobird and met Claire there; we ditched during break again because we were bored out of our minds. (Student presentations - we were told to go both weeks but it was clear the only people there were those presenting, and we presented last week.) At least before leaving I wrote out my extenuating circumstances form and gave it in; Lindsey-in-the-student-office thinks my requests sound reasonable. I cried giving in the form and in many ways I've never felt so pathetic. Jojo told me to "man up" (I think she was trying to use humour to kick me out of it), but I was unstable enough that that just made it worse. I'm trying not to be a ticking time bomb.

[+] Survived Friday. Jojobird, Emma (groupmate) and I arrived early and there were leftover biscuits from some even the day before, so we nibbled those. Emma and I doodled on the whiteboard. We practised a bit and then presented to Simon and Duncan (the lecturers). It wasn't fantastic, but it wasn't terrible; the middle-ground is fine to my university-apathetic brain right now. Jojo told me that to make sure I worked later on, I would have to think of her giving me a Disappointed Face; I asked her "can I imagine you as a teacher?" and she said of course...provided she was sexy. Oh, my mind. Worked efficiently, took an hour-long break, worked again until my 6pm deadline. Wasn't able to send along a full draft to Nick (and thus I feel like a mega failure) but it was a lot closer. I also managed to work on my dissertation for 6 hours without crying or having to stop and monitor my breathing! The small things, eh? After that took a break to start my Wildlife in the Faming Environment report and work on my Rowe application, which I'm sending off by tomorrow.

[-] Today I have felt yucky and nervous. It was a beautiful day that I didn't appreciate. However, I did take a shower with the new shower head and there's a mist setting that sounds like rain and makes me feel as though I'm receiving back rubs from a colony of faeries. Worked a lot but still am only 25% through my citations to analyse (20/80). But I'm getting faster at it so hopefully that's something. And I'll definitely have a lot more to talk about in my results and discussion sections than I already have, so that's good. I think I can really do this. Maybe. But hey, there's a little hope there.

[-] I mostly missed the Supermoon, but did finally stand up out of my window to see it. Wish I had been more able to enjoy it.

[-] I really miss cuddles. I'm reclining on my little sofa here (got the double duvet cover with gold stars) with my sharks (one big blue one, one giant pink one) and my pillows. I want nothing more than for someone to come and flop on me. Mum's done it my whole life, she just flops down on me and squishes me into whatever surface I'm on. I love it. Cassia does it when I'm at her house and it makes me smile, because I never told her I love it, she just started doing it.

[-] I miss animals. I wish there was a rent-a-dog service or something. Pirate's got the gerbils, but they're not quite the same... and all I do with the fish is make faces at them. I'd go for a ferret, cat, chinch, hell even a degu, just anything... So I'm going to sit here and continue petting my own head. Yes, I am that desperate. (And hey - it's nice to have my head pet, even if it's just by me!)

[-] I'm still in shock that I've finished my last presentation of university and my last piece of group work. I've also had my last official lecture. Next week I end on a pop quiz - how stupid! A pop quiz in English university! (Okay, not fully pop quiz since I know when it is, but I classify a pop quiz as not knowing the timing and/or not knowing what will be on it.) Apparently it's something we can't revise for. Super duper excited, clearly. Can't believe this will really be ending. I am going to MAKE myself give Nick a full draft of my dissertation on Tuesday evening, I have one 1500-word-or-so report due in on Friday, and then I've just got exams... and sure they're going to be killer exams, but it'll just be them left in my path. So weird.

[?] One of the femmeslash-land-or-whatever-porn-prompt-thingy-doosit prompts was "Firefly, Inara/Kaylee, kiwi" and I WTFed all over the place because I read it as Inara/Kaylee/kiwi and got super confused. Then I just giggled.

[*] I think I'm putting up a front right now, but I have to admit that I am incredibly frightened.

[♥] I think I am too exhausted for more work right now. I'll just set an alarm (away from my bed, and for a good amount of time) and go to sleep. I'll work faster tomorrow.


"The bluebird sings a lullaby; the firefly gives a light; the twinkling stars are candles bright; sleep, Faeries all, Good Night."
[Elizabeth T. Dillingham; "A Faery Song"]
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    intimidated Intimidated.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

He said Ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
in this city
is a full time occupation.

I'm determined
to survive on this shore

you know I don't
avert my eyes anymore

In a man's world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now.

I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between.

Don't you understand
in the day to day
and the face to face

I have to act
just as strong as I can

just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am
So if you still know how
talk to me now
- Ani DiFranco; "Talk To Me Now"

Today I am a combination of that and Wicked's "Defying Gravity", or at least I'm trying to be. I need to maintain this hardened version of myself, the one with the mental wards and the strong act, for a while so I can keep being myself and not a puddle of anxiety-ridden stress goo.

Today at the cafe every song reminded me of a memory and a self I've been through high school and university. It shocked me because the radio has never been one of my top manners of connection. This was proven when after the one DJ signed off, Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" started playing and I sighed at how sick to death I am of my generation's taste in music and sense of self. I know we're each generation is supposed to rebel against the generation before, and hell I know I've got a pretty whacky sense of self, but it seems that whacky for whacky's safe does not equate to a real sense of self. So I rolled my eyes and thought about how different London Road can look when I'm sitting on the other side of the street - and wondering if that's what life will feel like, when I'm not a student. I'm used to my side of the street but it's not comfortable and I'm ready to cross - or 'bridge' as we'd say in the Unitarian Universalist world.

Today I cried watching the families in the park directly across from my house's walkway. I thought about how next Sunday I can go out there and (hopefully) admire the blue sky above my head and eavesdrop on the chattering birds, because I will have made it through one of my greatest fears. But again I was watching from the other side of the street, and from this Sunday, I can't truly imagine that time and place nor myself arriving there. Some part of me knows this will be over next week (at least the larger part), but the rest of me is stuck here, with my biggest fear one huge obstacle blocking my sense of connection to my future.

So there's a montage of some of my Today Moments. I'm a girl waiting to cross the street, waiting for that little green man to tell me it's okay, my path is set and safe, I can cross the street. I am in the Waiting Place, the scent of a Slump still in my nose. I am waiting to see what the world will look like on the other side of the street.


A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
[Eleanor Roosevelt]
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    working Working.