March 11th, 2011

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

This is an 'I am alive' entry.

Proof of Aliveness:
  • Finished two presentations in a week and will finish another tonight.

  • Had a 'remember to love myself' day in which I napped and showered and watched television to relax, all when I needed them, and all just to appreciate myself and my aliveness (and how grateful I am of both).

  • Spent far too much when a friend dragged me bra shopping and I found out what my real size is. Possile TMI, beep beep beep, but it's not sexualised, beep beep beep, so if you're not comfortable, beep beep beep, I suppose look away, beep beep beep, but I wouldn't care either way, beep. I'm a 32GG (or G for some roomier bras) and not a 36F! The first bra she put on me was was like stepping into a hug. I gasped, honestly. I was like, "no way, that little midsection is supposed to go IN BETWEEN? It can actually touch the skin...? WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?!" So that one was expensive, but I am going to love it always, and then Claire helped me pick out some cheapies at Marks & Spencer. She probably saw much more of me than she intended to today. (But when she saw me in this bra she went, "Aaaah cleavage! It's so there! And up and 'hello world!' Kiwi, I think you've turned me [lesbian]." She continued this after my top was back on, mentioning something about my waist, but I was blushing up a storm by then and in a giggle fit so I couldn't hear it all.)

  • Was dropped off early for my meeting. Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" came on and my brain spiralled down, wondering how I could be rootless enough that one important piece of paper could alter my breathing, prevent me from sleeping, make me starve or over-fill myself and in so many other ways lose touch with my humanity and sensibility. I cried. Cue Nick to appear from the other direction, when he's usually in his office until I call him.

  • I made it through the meeting. Nick is pleased with how I'm doing it all and thinks I'm on the right track; he had some very good and useful ideas that I'll incorporate. He raved about how this project would be "good for a PhD" and then repeated it a few more times, looking sidelong at me with one eyebrow raised and this childish (I can't even believe it) grin of pure mischief. I said, "And you're not trying to persuade me or anything now are you, Nick?" He just laughed. I laughed. Laughing makes these meetings so much better - such a glorious thing is laughter!

  • I haven't been very productive in the library but I feel lighter, I have some food to eat and I'm about to be off for Claire's gospel choir. I told Nick I was going and gleefully added, "At least through all this I've made a good new friend, and in the next decades I'll still have my dissertation friend!" He seemed rather pleased. (I met Claire in his course during second year and we became friends through both of us doing Goethe projects for him.) He also smiled and laughed when I mentioned that my new goal for this 'whole thing' is to just get through university with some stability, and get back to the sort of student I was last year, sending him poetry about Francis Bacon accidentally killing himself via science experiment.

  • I'm going to keep flailing and fretting because that's what I do, but I am going to make through this, and I'm going to remember how to laugh and smile; it's what my face and lungs love doing, so much more than tears and hyperventilation.

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"No longer forward nor behind I look in hope and fear; but grateful take the good I find, the best of now and here."
[John G. Whittier]
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    hungry Hungry.