December 21st, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It's Solstice. Yule. My holiday of choice.

I'm still stuck in my English house like a prisoner--or indeed in any of Reading, really, if I felt any desire to get out of the house 'for my own good'; I have none. But any Rapunzel will know that a prison is a prison, no matter how many cushions it has: I'm grateful that mine has a roof and heat and the opportunity for food, but I'm still stuck and it still feels lousy.

It's looking like there might not be an opportunity to get home until the 27th. I'm sure you all have seen my posts about my love of winter and excitement to get home, even one of my recent ones about my excitement for attending both Christmas Eve services despite that it isn't even 'my holiday'.

The thought of missing it means that I am presently living in my own personal little hell. Even before break I spent time lamenting how little time I felt I would get at home; to see it dwindling now cuts deeply. To miss Christmas, which to me is not about the day but the events and family... Hello, personal hell.

I love my brother dearly, but he is not the best help in situations like these. At least when he does bratty things like take up the entire floor and every surface I am marginally distracted by scolding him. We tend to speak most when he is preparing for sleep and I am preparing for an evening of vigilance; I feel most comfortable staying awake in evenings and not acknowledging the passing of days, as if this was all one long night before at last travelling home (appropriate for Solstice indeed)--symptom of depression. I'm not allowing myself to sense the passing of days and so unless I am reminded, I don't know how many days have passed.

What's worse is I know I should be using this down time to work on my dissertation or two papers due after break, so I don't have to spend additional time working on them when I'm finally with friends. I simply don't have it in me. The thought of nearly anything brings tears.

I wish England would learn to deal with snow. I just want to be home for Christmas, what I've been looking forward to for months (I've been playing holiday music since October). I'm trying to stay tough. This is just an incredibly hard time for me.

♥ Kiwi

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.
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