October 23rd, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I've just had a realisation. I'm sitting here, busy-bee trying to get everything in my life done or started or moved along, and wondering why I feel so drained by the idea of writing when it was once my coping method.

The lesser realisation was that I now associate writing with deadlines (Yuletide, hoggywarty - although that less so, etc.), which I never did before. I probably have to work on my mind with that association for a while because writing used to be my coping method and now it's something that I'm afraid to do - deadlines will do that to me. It also means I'm afraid of things like National Novel Writing Month, when previously I would join up no matter WHAT ridiculous and time-consuming stuff was going on in my life. I wrote a novel in three days once. What happened to THAT girl? I want to fix all of this.

The primary realisation was that it isn't fic or fandom that has drained me; it's my lack of genfic or gen-writing at all.

My two favourite stories to write were In Memoriam and Postscript. At first I thought it was just because they were centred around the same characters, the same plot point, the same atmosphere. Now I realise that they're my favourites because I got to write gen and focus on the intricate relationships between these characters and their lives, rather than just the (rather limited, for me) realm of romance. Since those two I've written three 'ship' stories that included smut.

On the one level I'm displeased because I'm not impressed with them, but on another I'm displeased because they simply weren't as fun for me. It isn't as interesting for me to get into the collective 'mind' of romance and sex - the subjects don't interest me as much. I don't like dashing it altogether - as, indeed, my gen stories included romance and more - I just can't find myself as interested when that's the main focal matter. Yet it seems that the occasion to write genfic is very rare compared to that of 'ship' material - rarer still than 'rarepair' ship stories, perhaps!

I guess what I'm saying is that I've seen springgen, but where is the autumngen, the wintergen, the summergen...?

(This should have dawned on me sooner.)
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Will I ever stop feeling like that annoying, quirky kid sister everyone just pretends to like having around?

I am just one giant ball of insecurity lately.

And don't worry, I have picture proof:

(No, of course those aren't notes scribbled on my arm...I think you'll find you're deceiving yourself...)