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Kiwi Crocus
10 October 2010 @ 05:26 am
Dear Two Straight Men at a Gay Club,

Do not corner and grope me. My body is not your play-pen, and your behaviour deserves a serious time out. I was dancing with my friends and you invaded my personal space without my permission. You touched me in places I have no desire to be touched - by you or even by fellow women. Keep your filthy fucking hands off me. I don't want those hands inching up my skirt or pressing up my arse, and if I ever feel that hard inchworm you call a prick pressed against me again, I WILL cut the sodding thing off. The grapes'll be gone too.

When you're rejected by the lesbian who calls her gay boyfriend back over, do not move on to another woman and take a grope at her arse. You deserved to have her boyfriend up in your face. We're women, we're people, and we don't want your objectification or lack of respect. Don't take it somewhere else, learn from your terrible behaviour and its consequences and STOP - learn to respect others and yourself.

Fuck off,
Kiwi The [Gasp] Uninterested Lesbian at the Gay Club

Dear Mark's Almost!Boyfriend,

Thank you for saving me when I gave you my clear 'Help me and get me the frak out of this peen sandwich' look. I very much appreciate it. Thank you for the walk home, too. I hate that in this day and age I need it, but regardless I am grateful. Enjoy the smex with Mark.


Dear Older Lesbians at the Gay Club,

You are adorable and delightful. I'm glad you had a fun night out. I want to be like you some day - do I really have to get through my 20s first?

Appreciating from Afar,
Kiwi The Sick-Of-Being-Young Lesbian-In-Training

Dear Sean,

Thanks for dancing with me and complimenting my moves even though I didn't know what I was doing or what these modern sounds regarded as 'music' were. I always enjoy a good (respectful) dance partner and very much appreciated our fun non-competitive dance-off. I'm sorry for cheating and using the chest-flesh for the added shimmy value.

With a shimmy to the floor,

Dear Random Girls,

Thank you for joining me when I started crazy-dancing alone to Bad Romance. I don't need the company to enjoy dancing, but I'm always glad to have it! You all made me laugh. Thank you for that!

Rah rah ooh la la,

Dear Book and Torchlight,

Thank you for being there for me during those moments when Reading's gay culture wasn't so thrilling and I needed a rest in the corner with any kind of literature. Why can't this place have a gay cafe/bookstore? Why are Reading gays afraid to show their faces in the light of day? (I knew it, we're all vampires.)


Dear Mark,

Thank you for making me come out, getting me in for free and buying me drinks. I love crazy-dancing with you. I also giggle when you kiss your almost!boyfriend. My brain has officially decided that it makes so much more sense when men are kissing men and women are kissing women. Anyway, you're a delight to be around, and you're a frakking riot when you're drunk.


Dear Hale,

Thanks for the coke! You're a life-saver! I savoured that drink like you wouldn't believe.


Dear Becky,

You're super cute. And tall. And nummy. And a Fresher, ooooops.


Dear Granby,

Thanks for another great night out. Please kick the obnoxious straight men out, and give them a clue: they're not going to win over a real lesbian, especially not by groping her without permission. Dolts! Ignoring them, it's great to have a place run by sturdy looking lesbians.


My evening in letter form.
Kiwi Crocus
10 October 2010 @ 03:40 pm
I just took two Harry Potter quizzes on Facebook.

One told me I was Draco Malfoy, the other Minerva McGonagall.

My dear quizzes, I think you are a little confused.
Kiwi Crocus
10 October 2010 @ 05:02 pm
Mark's friend from school told him that gay people did not evolve from apes/whatever, but from dolphins.

By Glee (Brittany) logic, dolphins are gay sharks.

Thus, gay people evolved from gay sharks.

This concludes why gays are so fierce. (Prompt Kiwi and Mark performing the snap-z.)

Also, in Douglas Adams philosophy, that means we are evolved from the second most intelligent group of creatures on the planet. This is important because today is 10.10.10, which is 42 in binary - as we were informed by Tinboy.

So, we fierce gays perform tricks for you these days, but we're bouncing when we've got to!

Goodbye and thanks for all the fish!

(Don't you all love when my posts make sense? Don't you feel edumacated? Or, indeed, edumagayted? :P)

((Tomorrow is Coming Out Day. Be fierce, my gay shark friends and allies!))