September 13th, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It's 2.30 am and I'm in Northampton MA at Cathy's house. At some point I'll probably update with what I'm up to, but for now I'm updating with what has been on my mind for a while. There may be some TMI here, but not in any visual sense (I hope), but as a personal journal with information that I wouldn't tell a stranger while keeping in mind that I would tell a stranger a lot.

My HPSCC story went up a while ago. It had a sex scene. It killed me to write, and most of the fic was born out of my mind avoiding that final scene. The fic did not need to be 4,000 words; I even told my mother I couldn't get the characters to really get together that way. Once I was at 4k words, I didn't want to cut them anyway, just because I love those day-in-the-life conversational moments; I think at this point that is what my fic is known for.

It will become further evident with my next fic and its length just how much I don't want to write sex scenes. Perhaps I'll do a re-write of this entry when the next fic is out, so it (I) can be further understood.

I believe I have one more fest in line that requires some sort of smut writing; I will do so because I agreed by signing up.

I think after that, I am going to avoid fic with sex, at least of the NC-17/M/R variety. In many ways I miss the days of being the lil' 15-year-old in fandom; I was excused from writing the smutty bits and it was perfectly understandable for me to 'drop the curtain', so to say, and merely allude.

Now I'm 20 and feel as though I should be including such topics in more detail - and indeed, some day I wish to. But I still have not had sex, and though the mechanics are researchable...well, even that isn't entirely my problem. I am pre-orgasmic - yes, that's right, no orgasms for me. I can't get there what with all the mental blocks from my hip era (which indeed isn't over yet). While I know it is different for all women, I don't feel right writing about that part of sexual relations; I feel fake and uncomfortable doing so.

There we go, then. I've put my decision and secrets out on livejournal again. Laughter, there's a way to feel closer to that 15-year-old self, I suppose. But hey, it's always a great one when I want everyone to take a drink during Never Have I Ever: "Never have I ever had an orgasm." Of course, I get a lot of, "Oh you poor soul!" but I don't stumble to the taxi. Shakes head and laughs.

So, er, if I start writing stories with sex scenes again, I guess you'll all be clued in. And lash_larue will host a three-day party with Drew Barrymore and roller derby graphics. Someday, someday; no rush.