September 9th, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It's amazing to me, just how quickly I end up in my old up-all-night, sleep-all-morning routine once my strict scheduling is gone.

It's often met with some resentment and self-blame: Why do I do this? What is it about me that can't control my own sleep? Why do I let myself miss so much?

I've decided, for the moment, to remove those feelings.

Yes, some small part of my nocturnal habits arise out of fear: when I am afraid of the days passing and drawing closer to a feared date, I slack sleep for fear of the next morning bringing me one full day closer.

Most of it, I have realised today, comes from how much I relish my 'me' time. The evening is mine unless I so choose to share it. I can arrange to stay with friends; I can turn on IM; I can be social on the Internet or Real Life in general: it's a choice.

During the day, I may choose solitude: I may remove myself from the social sides of the Internet and tuck my phone away, but anyone can walk into my room (a lock means little); anyone can call me (I don't have it in me to turn my phone off, just in case); anyone can expect me to answer in good time, because it is daylight.

At night there are no expectations of me. People don't expect a response at 4 in the morning - anything from these early hours is a delightful surprise. It is regarded as sleep time. Any response I make or doors I open are regarded entirely as choices on my part - there is no requirement, and if I were to not respond I would not be judged harshly, for it is sleep time, of course!

I love working at this time. It is me working for me, with me and around me. Kiwi time. Time for choices that are mine.

Ah, I did miss this time of night during the Stony Brook times. I do relish these hours of the night.

(I suppose it allows me to empathise with morning people, as well: I'm sure many of them are looking for a similar feeling. I just can't be dratted with dreaded waking up! I'd much rather enjoy the time and THEN sleep; again, it's the personal choice! Laughter.)

Good evening!