June 7th, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Not okay right now. Have avoided posting so I didn't get angsty. I have, apart from dissertation work, been having a really great time. Even with the research itself - whenever I managed to forget that I would eventually have to write something of my own down.

Well, now I'm there. This is my last shred of procrastination before I begin and I can't stop crying. I'm picking Barry up from the station at 7.40 and it's noon, so I have 5 hours to write about 1,000 words. This isn't even the real deadline for the lit review (3,000-5,000 words due 25th June worth 10% of the 40-credit dissertation), just getting something written up to send to my supervisor so I can meet with him on Wednesday. I want to have it done today so I don't have to work on it while Barry is around. Don't want to bore the poor fellow in his travels.

But, well, that's where I am. I haven't written a word down because my brain has attached so much to it. To the fact that once I begin writing, that's it, I'm on the dissertation-writing path. Third year hasn't even begun and all I want is for it to be over.

Affirmations aren't working. Mediation, nope. Sleep, frak no - dissertation gives me strange dreams that mean I wake up more tired than anything else. I want to not be so afraid of this.

Sigh. At least it's just tears and not a full-blown panic attack. There's something. And it's not the end of the world if I have to work on it a bit tonight/tomorrow night. It just feels like it.

Barry just texted me, excited to be in the UK. I cannot be a mess for him. I refuse. Aghhh I just want to curl up in a ball and have my crazy Masshole friends tell me stories and make me laugh until I roll around and forget that all this stuff I make so big in my head isn't so important in reality and isn't worth getting myself so upset over.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Think getting the tears out was good for me and the process; hadn't previously cried over the dissertation and needed to let out some steam.

Finished 1,300 words (not great, rough, first-draft) for Nick. I think that's what he wanted, though. Just something to base discussion on for Wednesday. I'll improve it before the due date, the 25th. Still feel a bit ick for being the underachiever between me and Claire, but it's given me a new perspective and taught me to empathise with people who more often feel this way - even if they aren't underachievers in the slightest.

At least it's done for now. I get to take a breather, clean my room, get dressed and ready and then head into town to get Barry. We're going out to Sakura with Ems, Tinboy and Batgirl tonight. It'll be good to let go.

Tomorrow is London and Duke of Uke and a new ukulele friend that Barry BOUGHT ME because he is amazing! £70 for a ukulele for me just because he saw it on the site and immediately thought it was perfect for me - which it is! - and had it specially delivered and everything. I hit these dark patches and forget that I must be doing something incredibly right in my life to end up with these beautiful, compassionate, creative, generous friends in my life investing time, energy and love in me. I am so grateful. I hope I can be half the friend they are - because then I would know I was still an excellent friend!