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Kiwi Crocus
14 May 2010 @ 10:52 am
So. Life. I just...I don't even know where to start. So I guess I'll start from the beginning. It's always felt like a good place to start.

As you all know, it was terribly hard for me to board the plane to come back here - for coursework, future exams, housemate tiffs, how connected I felt with people Stateside, what have you. But I did and I'm here and I've made it through the coursework, more than half of the exams, a few housemate tiffs and being close to people far away through technology.

A while ago my laptop died due to a virus that John and I worked against. It hasn't been repaired yet. For a long while, I was using Pirate's old laptop, which had Internet while I was revising - things were good. Then he needed to take his laptop back to get revision stuff on it. I've only been able to use my laptop running off a Linux system John put on a USB, but unfortunately no Internet access and no access into a large number of files. So I've missed my Stateside pople (including family) terribly and my revision has also been compromised. Big Reason 1 for my already being in a funk.

The other day when I was in the kitchen I realised that someone had crossed out some of the loo roll I'd bought on the fridge counter we had - I didn't think much of it, mentioned it to Juliette & Lora who were in the room & Juliette said if I thought they should be there I should put them back. I did. I came upstairs, did my stuff, went to sleep, woke up, got a text message from Matt saying house meeting at 7, finished Angels & Demons, felt pretty happy and went downstairs. They had been marked out in big bold black. When I went to the loo and came out I could overheard them talking about how I had put marks when I hadn't bought things.

It just triggered me. I knew it was stupid to get triggered by loo roll, but I was just overwhelmed with this desire to go home that very minute, to talk with my sister at least once during the last three days I have to speak with her before she goes to Europe & I can't reach her (2 now), be done with everything and home. I started throwing all of my stuff on the bed and just couldn't stop. Then all that I owned, out of wardrobes and desks and everything, was on my bed. I just kind of broke and cried, holding my two big sea shells representing me and my sister.

John found me like that; he lives next door to me upstairs, so if anyone would it would pretty much be him. He was really kind and comforted me. We talked and he told me he'd have a word with the others. When I was waiting on the stairs for the house meeting to start, Matt came to me and told me that it had been postponed and gave me a hug. I later found out John had asked for the postponing...for me. Eventually I managed to come downstairs since it was just him & Emma - I wasn't able to handle standing in my empty room alone knowing I couldn't pack it all up and go home. Batgirl and others came in and out, none of us exchanged words. I paid the money into the group account. I got a little cheerier by the end of the evening when Emma was loosening up and getting silly.

When I was waiting to brush my teeth, I heard Lora telling the others and John that I had heard something was up, spontaneously started crying over nothing and was now downstairs happy as pie because it was postponed. Which just...wasn't the case. And John knew that. I did have a good conversation with Pirate when I was down in the kitchen taking a shot so I could go to sleep. He's a good guy.

John came up to me when I was in my room and asked me how I felt about our housemates, Juliette and Lora. I said I loved them but felt a little ganed up on/alternately ignored, and a bit like I was the flavour of the week to go against - that it's a pattern with the house of escalating issues through bouncing ideas/complaints around to the wrong people and by the time they get to the right people it's a huge issue...and that of course I'm just as guilty when I'm not that person. He told me I needed to have a talk with them, at least, if not the others. He had offered to mediate. Lora had said not to do it that night since it was her first night with Pirate in ages.

John and I went to Juliette. It was shocking. I just...must have been so much more wrapped up in my stuff than I can even believe, because she apparently hasn't felt friendly with me in a long time and has thought I haven't liked her and last year thought that out of all the people, I would be the worst to live with. And that she has considered this year moving out. I...I had no idea, none at all, that whatever I was doing was stressing people so much. We talked things through and she knows that I honest to goodness DO like her, and don't intend to aim antagonistic comments at her, and am sorry for not noticing that I was causing this stress. And would work to remedy it, and that we would work to be honest with each other from now on instead of letting it get out of hand like this. She mentioned liking the person she was with when she was in that room, which is also a relief given it was the most clarity I had had in ages and thus WAS the real me, but it's still going to be a tricky road.

She mentioned 5 things I really have to work on, and I know them to be true because they have been mentioned by others in similar conversations. She really cut through it all just saw. Within the first few minutes I was out of the pain-stage and into understanding we could both really grow from it.

1) Manipulation/'how I am' with people - I added the 'manipulation' out of previous conversations with people, but it's my flip-flopping nature and tendency to take advantage of people, whether I consciously know it or not. Something I very much need to work on.

2) Self-involved - very self-centred in my home-life/with people I'm close with. It isn't noticeable to a lot of people because I tend to know this about myself and strive not to be, but then with the people I end up closest to (whether in friendship or in situation) can see it big and bold. It's not intentional, I just take myself and what's going on in my life too seriously - to the detriment of others by putting their problems below mine, in sort of brushing them off. It's not good. I need to work on not doing that. My problems are not Almighty, I just overdramatise them and make them bigger than they are, connect them with panic disorders and think they're extreme. Yeah, occasionally they're big - but we've all got big problems going on, and I need to be compassionate with that, not just get so wound up in my own stuff.

3) Self-identity - I have historically had very strong identities, from when I was the angry sarcastic person in my early adolescence to this entity of Kiwi that has been created through junior high and high school. It's apparent that sometimes I'm not doing things out of 'me', but to fit this identity/image...which was hard to accept, because it's what got me through so many tough years, but I need to let go. I can still be Kiwi without clinging to things I think would be important to 'being Kiwi'. I can just be me - Kiwi is a name: it adapts. The name should follow the person and not the person follow the name.

4) Pulling weight - this one's wrapped up mainly in the first and second, as they are all tangled up. I exaggerate my problems - so, for instance, money problems - into not buying as much because 'I don't use as much'. Problem being that I benefit indirectly. I also need to remember that I am not as skimped as I think I am - and even if I were, I'm not doing anyone any good by not buying reasonably cheap things that don't have to be purchased often when just buying them would improve household atmosphere. I need to see through the dark glasses my problems try to sneak onto my nose and realise that we all benefit from doing what we can, it isn't about the money - and we're all students, none of us really have much. So the self-centredness has to go. And with that my attitude needs re-wiring.

5) Self-honesty - I need to learn to sit down and be honest with myself. Think about what I like and what I dislike - not the way I previously did, which implied that there was an inherent 'problem' in disliking things/people (because I have grown with this idea of having to like everyone and everything) but in understanding that I can not be fond of someone/thing and still deal with it/them respectfully and work through it. It's hard to be honest with other people without first being honest with ones self. I need to stop running from my problems - they will always catch up, so it is best to just turn and face them with the most integrity and respect for community one can have.


So, that's what I learned from the conversation and from others I've had recently with friends. I have another conversation with Lora, probably today. It will work out. Somehow, it will. I feel terrible for not knowing I was causing all these problems and I'm thankful to have my eyes open, even if it hurt. I want to kick my ego out of this issue - it aids no one here.


This post mainly comes out of the self-honesty. If I'm willing to bring up my faults and what I'm working through to people I love and respect, then I am seriously and honestly thinking about them and taking steps to do better. This is who/how I am and what I'm working on as a person. These are the places where my self-growth needs to occurr.


That said, these are my current honest feelings, which I will not allow myself to value over others' feelings: I have wronged a lot of people and need to hear others' points of view/make it up/work on it so it doesn't happen again; I miss my parents; I miss my sister and friends; I miss having connection to these people (laptop); I'm afraid of how my revision will go (laptop); I'm hoping I can afford the £40 to fix the laptop & that I will still be able to revise; all of my belongings are currently in two large piles and I still wish I were packing them rather than replacing them; I still want to go home.

I guess this is a case study in how things can move the wrong way. Matt never intended for any of this by calling the house meeting. John was saying this has all been brought to the forefront because of exam stress; I can't help but agree. One more reason to hate exams...

I have so much work to do on myself. Sorry for the long post, flisties. You haven't heard much from me in the last while and may not again - not sure. If this post affects your view of me, I understand; this is me, so it makes sense that it would. I am pleased to accept thoughts/statements - was one of the things Juliette and I mentioned working on together.

I sincerely hope you all are well. I hope soon I'll be able to go through your entries to know!