May 2nd, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Didn't get anything done today. I suppose if I'm honest I didn't really expect to, not after two exams yesterday. Means I probably won't be off to Gay Chorus tomorrow unless I have a very productive morning, and if I know anything about's that I don't tend to have a productive morning unless I've been up the whole night before it.

That won't happen because I've been drinking tonight. (: We had 11 people hanging out in the house tonight, playing games, watching telly and Gormenghast... Great fun. Although I'm still not incredibly fond of Jack (Harry's brother), despite that everyone has warmed up to him. He did mention that he always realises how much he's had to drink when he stands up; I recognise my drink!metre by how tired I am - they always correlate.

However I broke the seal and thus won't actually get to sleep for a while. :P Was thinking of curling up in bed with my book and reading for a bit until my bladder is ready to release me from its whims. Haven't been able to snuggle up with a book properly in ages.

Allowing a few moments not to think about next week's report and two exams - a little freedom is warranted and lovely. C:

Also, Fiona Shaw makes my life - her acting in the third episode of Gormenghast was stunning. I would die to act like that! (Although was a little disconcerted when I realised my neck could contort so - with the tendon-pop - and that I could contort to her facial expressions without thinking too much.)
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Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I can't do this anymore. I just...I can't.

Yesterday, my laptop Bloob was working fine. This morning I noticed she was running a little slow. I realised the thing I was missing was the annoying 'you should scan your computer!' message that comes up when one has an anti-virus program. I searched Da's programs, didn't find one, and thought, "You know, I really want to wipe this clean and start over just so I know what every program is and don't have this extra stuff I don't understand. But I need Minitab, so I can't yet. After exams."

I surfed Livejournal, planning to go download spybot and AVG (free anti-malware) after. Bloob froze. I manually restarted, thinking I had just opened too many tabs and she was sleepy. I downloaded spybot and scanned my computer - spybot found some errors, I asked the program to fix them. It froze a quarter of the way through. I shrugged, restarted, scanned and tried to fix again. Same. Restarded, downloaded AVG, scanned, found 4 Trojans and got rid of them.

It was going slower. I checked the Internet to see if spybot did that sometimes, and found it could if you didn't alter settings I didn't know how to alter - I uninstalled, thinking I was safe with AVG. Bloob sped up. I was relieved and went back to surfing LJ.

She froze when I only had two tabs open and wasn't making any 'you're working me a bit' noises. I trotted over to Tinboy's room and he came to help. After poking and prodding, he found system.exe, which wasn't supposed to be there and apparently belonged to a keylogger that would go and hide in parts of the computer to restore itself when parts of it were deleted. Spyware that even redirected links - search for it in Google and press the link, it would send you right back to Google. We marvelled at the little bleater and Tinboy set to getting rid of it. Messed with a setting to see if it would stop replicating itself when injured and set me to an AVG scan again. AVG scan found more and we got rid of it, tested to see if it was still there and it was. He told me to get spybot again and scan for it.

Managed to download spybot. The scan wouldn't go through - spybot kept freezing. I finally frowned, shook my head and shut down, thinking, "Next time I start it up I'm tempted to just restore to factory settings - there's nothing I want on there." Tinboy and I had together decided it was a last option, although one that didn't stink too much since - again - I had thought of doing it anyway, pre-malware.

I thought I'd give Spybot one more shot. Turned on Bloob. She woudn't go to BIOS. I got the dreaded "Windows could not start because the following file is missing or corrupt:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32\CONFIG\SYSTEM" Oh, that message I know too well.

I tried every trick in the book with F2s and F8s and the lot. Tried F9 to get to the factory reset menu, but it won't come up. Stared at the ceiling shivering and holding down a panic attack; none of my housemates noticed (it was obvious), but I don't have the energy to care about that right now. Gathered myself, tried again and came up here - Tinboy lent me his laptop for the evening since he's out.

This entry may sound calm. Even humoured. Trust me, I am not. Moments before typing this I was sobbing. I can't believe this happened again. I've been careful. The only thing I have downloaded was Minitab, and it was out of a panic over not getting my Environment in Practice 2 work done. If fear of failing my assignment led me to downloading a program not-so-legally from the Internet led to a spyware/virus/whatever that killed my laptop, I don't know what I'll do. Laptops are the bane of my existence. At this point I'm beginning to think I plainly don't deserve one.

So right now, inside, I'm just panicking. All I want to do right now is get home to the States - have wanted to for a month - and all that's supposed to be between me and that is exams and a few reports. The idea that my laptop - a 'new' laptop - has died yet again right when I need it most just terrifies me. I can't deal with this. I don' gods, I don't know how my parents don't just slap me to Jupiter. John tried everything he could while Bloob was ALIVE, too, and the malware just defied everything we had at every turn! I am so far gone!

I'm just going to go curl up in bed and cry some more. I finished my book and reading would bring me no pleasure. I'm just going to go cry until I fall asleep, then tomorrow morning when John is out of his hangover we'll see what to do next since I have no restore DVD that comes with the laptop - but it may be possible to make a USB startup that we could use to wipe the computer.

Tears hairs out. Cries. I can't do this. Swear alert. Fuck you, exams. Fuck you, inability to keep a laptop working for more than a few months. Fuck you, laptops, for leaving me like this. Fuck you, distance, for not being smaller. Fuck you, time, for being longer than you should. Fuck you, uni, I really just want you over. Fuck you, self, for fucking this up again.

Swearing done. I don't have anything left in me. I apologise for this entry. It is very unlike me. Well, except for the being me, and screwing things up again. (Sane self: unlike me to think/say something like that. Don't worry too much. I still have the strong sane voice in me. Won't do anything bad or stupid, promise.)

I'm so sorry, Mom, Dad. ='( I'm so very very sorry. I will try to work this out. I will try so hard. I'm so sorry!