April 5th, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I... augh.

Today went alright, as far as getting things done. I'm ready to pack and clean for Spain tomorrow and leave at 11am or so on Tuesday to go early onto campus.

I looked at my exam schedule and my assignment table. I cried. I didn't panic, but I cried.

This year the mystery of it all is gone, which is good; unfortunately, in its wake is the knowledge of just how hard all this is on me. Instead of 'how will I make it through this when I've never been through it before?' it's 'this is absolutely horrible and I have to knowingly make it through again.'

1) I have my field course in Spain.
2) I have a summer module: Habitat Management or some nonsense, presumably a hard-core week-long module.
3) I have my River Cole assignment due in on the 23rd; 20% or something.
4) I have my big Group Project Complete Writeup due in on the 30th; 25% or so in same module.
5) On the SAME DAY I have TWO exams - my roughest two, with the most extra reading.
6) Rest of the exams reasonably spread out (5).
7) Literature review of dissertation due by end of summer term.

But seriously, the 30th? I have NO IDEA how I am going to do this. I know I've been frightened of work before...but this? This is more than I have ever faced.

Animal Behaviour doesn't even put the papers on BlackBoard, just the references. I have to miraculously find them and the time to read them within the two weeks in which I will also be writing two big assignments, completing a summer module and revising for history and philosophy of science.

The two module conveners of History and Philosophy of science were also put down as two out of three of my top project choices, so there's a good chance one will be my project supervisor next year. This will be the impression I leave with. And I hope to do a philosophical/literature-based dissertation next year, so the impression I make is somewhat important.

I just...I honestly can't even comprehend this. I am so terrified. I'm bringing my History and Philosophy of Science book to Spain, but it looks like such a busy trip I don't know if I'll even be abl to read it, and I need to read it, and...

Wibbles. Holy flying frakmonster wibbles.

I really, in all my school life, have never faced anything as frightening as the next month of my life. I want to curl up with my stuffie and pretend I'm back to learning the alphabet.

I am so shocked that I didn't have a panic attack today, just a little exasperated and sad crying as I walked down the stairs and hung my laundry to dry. So shocked. If I can make it through any of this without a panic attack? Good green, I'll sing from my roof window.

I just need to get to the 1st of May, then things will start to be a little okay.
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