March 1st, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

[+] I woke up at 11 today and read a chapter in the Buddhist poetry book Samatha gave me.
[+] Enjoyed breakfast of a cheese toastie with Tinboy and Batgirl. Walked into campus with both of them.
[+] Got a 95 on my bibliography - win! Silly little colon and comma.
[+] Handed in my lay summary.
[-] Lecture was absolute rubbish...
[+] but I managed to write my last song for FAWM and totally enjoyed it. A song written in science paper format. Here!
[+] Felt connected and lovely in the library.
[-] It decided to yell at us with a siren and big flashing red lights and a voice saying 'We are closing, please leave the library' even though it wasn't the proper time for them to close.
[+] Came to Palmer.
[+] Edited and posted another chapter of Transfiguration over Tea.
[+] Came to the 24-hour computer lab at 9. Actually started working. Had many of my songs commented on as I commented on other new songs. Now have the map part done of Hedgerow Survey (it took ages), read through the survey handbook for notes and have made little marks of what I want to say. All that's left is to actually write the 500-650 words, which shouldn't be a big problem when I sit down to do it.
[-] I have had to pee for six hours. There aren't any loos open past 9. I think that if there's a 24-hour location on campus, there should be an open 24-hour loo too.
[ ] It's 4 a.m. and the birds are beginning to sing out-side. I've accidentally completed my first all-nighter on campus and I didn't even have to - that's just how my brain works.

This was going to be my post for Friday/Saturday. Then the computer I was on died. So here it is now instead! I'll make one for the weekend. :)
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Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

[. let the phone ring, let's go back to sleep .]

[+] Saturday was a very pleasant day in. Jammie day. Mainly spent reading and enjoying the company of my housemates, proud that I had done good work the night before.
[+] Sunday I woke up and it was raining, striking a bit of pain into my hip. I smiled up at the rain splashing my window and decided I'd sleep more rather than try to go to campus and work. I was pleased with this because previously I would have put myself through the physical pain for the work and my priorities are shifting.
[+] Woke slowly at noon. Did my washing up. Read in the den. When Harry, Sass & the Christians came in I hurried away in my jammie-covered, slipper-tipped body.
[+] Had a long, pleasant chat to catch up with Lyshia. We braved the Christians to have food (her ice cream, me put chicken in the oven). It was akward and no one knew what to say. We hurried away. I got dressed and hung in her room until my chicken was done, went downstairs and scarfed half of it.
[+] Called Eve, half intending to drop out of going to Chorus. I let her convince me to go. I went to the bus and discovered day-long fare was a pound cheaper on Sundays. Went into town, had a bad spell in which I dropped my phone and cried at how technology was treating me these days, but kept walking until the smiles came back. Was nervous and a bit down through the first half of rehearsal but I brightened up. Made friends. Hung with Eve.
[+] Sang with Eve as we walked together after rehearsal. She told me she liked my voice. We discussed things. We were happy. I took the bus home.
[+] John let me use his laptop while he was playing video games. I did up my hedgerow survey in two hours and uploaded the rest of my song lyrics to FAWM to inspire me to actually finalise them. I was proud that I had worked early again with no panic or strange feelings - I am always shocked by this.
[+] Had one of the most amazing chicken wraps I have ever eaten and I actually made it. Wraps are so easy. I am so pleased with the food I bought and am consuming, even if they're still not the most healthy. I'm learning slowly.
[+] We watched a film together. It was Matt's and was essentially a male, super-testosterone of Harold & Maude. I expressed that to him - everyone knows it's my favourite film despite not having seen it - and he was pleased.
[+] Journalled, read and fell asleep slowly.
[-] Didn't get much sleep. Then my clock turned out to be late.
[+] Batgirl and I walked to Birds together. I wrote a To Do List through lecture.
[-] Practical felt like an exam and I got a bit spooked through some of it, but I took a trip to the loo and reminded myself that there were more important things and in the scope of things, my inability to write an abstract within a certain amount of time when we weren't told to prepare for it is really no bug dwak. Becky (my PhD squish of a year now) thought mine looked good. I joked with her and the other helper about stats and scientific papers, then left.
[-] Printing in the library was annoying
[+] but it worked and I printed it after I added some stuff to the hedgerow survey and fixed it up. All without even biting my lip. I was so pleased. Didn't panic when CJ had written more than I did and different stuff. Told myself "I did my best, it's done, I don't care" and for the first time actually authentically meant it. Did the livejournaling I could catch up on and walked to Agric. Passed it in with Jack & Naomi - helped them re-label their map and hedgerows so it was numbered right.
[+] Time in the computer lab was productive. Sending e-card, looking up people and things, sending the emails I needed to. Even finished the seminar sheet for Wednesday's Animal Behaviour - couldn't answer all the questions well and right (coughstatisticscough) but I tried my best and that's good. Danced my heart out to Regina Spektor in the loo.

I'm really happy. And proud that my priorities are really shifted, and are keeping the shift. Things are falling into perspective. I'm 20, I'm going to be a real adult this decade, and there are some things that people like to pretend are the Really Important Things but they're really not. The RITs (ironically stated) are the stressors and the panics and the things that slap in the face...but what matters is the ability to shake a head, give a laugh, join others in love and appreciation.

Kristine and I spoke of it and I smiled. Celebrating existence in the moment, celebrating the What Is and the What Is Around and all the love and light, rather than bemoaning the 'what I don't have' and the 'what others have' and the 'I shouldn't be' and the 'I should be's. The 'I want' and 'I need'.

I like the 'I'm here.' 'I'm now.' 'We're together.'

Today was one of those days in which I just couldn't stop smiling. I walked along and smiled bright. The sun, the ducks, music, people, laughter, work, humans - Professor or no. When I had strange looks, it only made me smile wider: I wish the inner peace and happiness for them too, knowing that it is all we're ever looking for. I want to help them all - us all - feel it. Not have it. It feels like it's already inside; it's not reaching and striving and wanting and having. It's letting, being, blooming. The light and nutrients and soil for our personal blooms are all around us in the love and support of others, of ourselves. We needn't look for new pots or lamps or fertiliser. Just need the accepting and opening.

I'll stop spewing mindgoo at you now. I just feel very peaceful and content. This was supposed to be short. Giggles. Alas!

[I'm going to make an art wall when I go home. It's going to be so spiffy.]
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    Morning Song - Jewel