January 6th, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I spent today in a dark living room, snuggled up on the couch watching Scrubs and crying. Then I tried to be productive. I tried opening my work, as I have tried so many times during this holiday.

Boom, panic attack. Got tissues for the tears, controlled the coughing, at last calmed the hyperventilation, mollified my turning stomach. Spoke through it with Cait, Tree & some others.

I need to do something about this. It's worse now than it's been in a very long time, mainly at the idea of staring the rest of the university year in the face...and then the one after that. The idea of going back to uni and dealing with this sets me off. This is my last time leaving the States before my second set of exams, and before those papers & tests. I don't feel prepared for this.

Sent my professor an email. Didn't mention the panic, just the general lack of understanding I have with the essay and writing it...asked for a meeting the beginning of the week, apologised for asking so late. If he says no I'll understand. If he says yes, we meet and I still don't understand...I'll be disappointed, but I'll know I tried.

I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I hate that my love of learning is being robbed. Institutionalised education is just sucking it out of me, when it should be imbibing me with further love and wonder for learning and life. Maybe that's just idealistic, I don't know. But I find places without the grade system and I don't feel as academically fulfilled. It's no wonder Rachel Carson had to write a book for children to keep their sense of wonder with the world, if we have to make it through these systems first.

I wish I could just love OR hate university. Stay because I loved it, or leave because I hated it. The flip-flop isn't working for me. I can't deal with this panic much more. I was driven closer to dark thoughts than I have ever been before, thinking of making it through all this. WHICH IS SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I LOVE LEARNING.

I love the information. I love (most of) the teachers. When it comes down to it, I even love the work.

I hate the grades. I hate the impersonal evaluation. I hate that the level of accomplishment of one degree (slip of frakking paper) determines my validity within the institution of higher education. I hate the competition. I hate the idea of reputation. Tenure. Funding. I hate how my professors' eyes lose spark when talking about any of the above, even the more sadistic ones--whether they're just peeved at having to do the marking or whatever else.

I hate that the more I love a course and the teacher, the crazier it drives me - and the further it drives me into despair. There is something so incredibly wrong with me in this area. I am sick of the tears, hyperventilation, nausea and negativity over SCHOOLWORK.

It is so petty. I feel so petty. Is it 2011 yet? Am I done yet?
  • Current Mood
    depressed Depressed.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I have an interview with Marla tomorrow at Stony Brook, about the job over the summer with the camp. I can so be all over this job I just...need to get my act together. And it's not coming. Fuck.

I got an email back from my professor.

'It had better be early in the week to give you time to make changes!
Monday will be fine - provisionally 2 pm in 207 Lyle? - ring from the
porter's desk so I can let you in.

M. Shaw'

I am thankful, I am. 'Time to make changes.' Changes as if I've been able to properly start.

Fuck. I just want to stab my stomach, curl up and cry until June. I worked with my mind all morning to give me some freedom and perspective. As soon as I come back, as soon as I think about work, it all just evaporates.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. My mind is full of profanity. This is not good.

I want to not take myself so seriously.
  • Current Mood
    pessimistic Pessimistic.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

My father just gave me an update on the laptop. Aspen. My baby I haven't had all holiday.

The computer guy is trying to recover the data. It may work. It may not, and then I'd get it back tomorrow with a new hard-drive.

I thanked my father softly.

My mother asked, "No response?" in the other room. They hush-hush discussed my interactions.

I am trying to care. Of course I want my laptop and my data, whatever I can get. And I'm thankful.

But more than that I want to not be holding back tears every time that I'm speaking something. I want to not have the urge to run into a secluded room, curl up and cry for months.

I want to be a better, more stable person. I want to be a better student. I want to be out of this funk.

Once more, I want to not care about this all like it's life or death, like I'm the most important frakking being on this planet. I want to stop being so self-centred and stop regarding my problems as reigning supreme. Instead I'm getting the fake numbness, inability to speak well, urge to disappear.

...these are the exact symptoms I had when I was 15, before and after my worst hip operation. Good gods, at least that made SENSE. It was a terrible recovery period and a hard time.

This is over fucking SCHOOL WORK. I am so sick of all of this. I don't even know who to go to anymore. Looks like it's another trip to counselling when I'm back to uni, just so I can be told that I sound incredibly sane, am doing well, shouldn't be concerned and no they don't know about getting me a therapist.

I am sorry for abusing your flist. I really am. =[ This is only so I don't explode inside.
  • Current Mood
    numb Numb.