January 5th, 2010

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I found my old sketch book from junior high and before. There was a picture of a lioness on my notes for the linear equation. The times when I would get a B- in maths and think, "Oh well, it's just math. I tried. I'll go get a tutor" and then went to one of my new friends to 'tutor' me in math, which was mainly just briefly understanding the concepts a bit more and goofing off.

Or the times that I'd do all my science homework the night before the 'homework check' and just joke around with the teacher, not caring if I didn't get an A, because what did it matter? Or waking up at 4 a.m. to write study guides, memorise the important phrases, go in to school without fear and just take the stupid test, because I knew it for what it was: just a stupid test. A test that had prominent life before and after it. Not a life-or-death presence in my life.

Or the times that I dealt with enough stress out of school and in school with my regular life--being The Wheelchair Girl--that I was able to look at school with clarity. And write an essay in the corridor the period before it was due without thinking it would ruin my future.

Or the times when I forgot a project on the bus and just thought, 'Awwr man, Henrich will be so disappointed in me; I forgot to do it for the deadline and now it's on the bus.' But instead just telling her and dealing with the consequences, knowing that soon enough I'd walk out of her classroom and life would continue. How much weight it didn't have to have. And how in the end she respected me for being a person who wanted to learn anyway, regardless of when my project came in--and I knew that, was pleased with that. Or the times I did my projects the night before until midnight, woke up at 4 and finished the final edits during study the period before it was due. How I was thrilled to get an A, and usually did, but if I didn't it was no big deal.

I miss understanding that school was something that had to go on in my life, but didn't have to take over; and while I was at it, I could enjoy the learning for what it was without completely stressing the deadlines and work.

I have so much to learn from my younger self. I don't know where she's gone...if she's gone and escaped me with my hip. I want to find her and remember. I want the clarity back on what's important.

[Note: this entry is not supposed to be pro-procrastination in nature; there are many appropriate ways to embody a healthy view of school. That used to be one of mine. Occasionally I even did things early, and I appreciated those for what they were--'cool, I did something early, neat' and not a judgment on increasing the validity of my character while shadowing my worth if I procrastinated.]
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