November 19th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I have thought about a few things today.

- I thought about what someone said about Arizona coming off pushy and bossy sometimes, as if she wanted to change people. [I am not trying to start a flame war here, please, remember I'm not much into harsh debate, just thinking around here!] I wondered if I wasn't a little the same. In the words of Tina Fey's character from Mean Girls, "I'm a pusher." I do, I push and pull. I like people to be who they want to be, if they want the support - braver or more outspoken or more compassionate or more outgoing. I like to help. Especially if what people want is adult communication. But there are thin lines everywhere, and I'm sure I step over some in my desire to help. And I know I can be bossy, especially when it comes to work. I think in many ways I could come off as pushy, bossy and oriented towards changing people. I didn't know what to think of that.

- People have the value we project upon them. Chocolate, to me, is delicious; for Batgirl it is yucky (but that could also be tastebuds or early conditioning). To me, rain is run and dance-worth; to Batgirl it is hair-curling and enraging. This morning, I thought the wind would kill me and considered skipping lecture; outside, I thoroughly enjoyed the harsh breeze.

- Things can so easily get blown out of proportion with egos and attachment to outcomes, and not accepting to What Is. Not that we can't change What Is by taking another step, a step to the left and doing something new or surrendering and waiting it out; but fighting or resisting What Is is useless. Attaching to outcomes (if I bring this up, it will go this way, this outcome better occur) causes pain. Sometimes temporary satisfaction if it occurs that way, but equal or more (I vote more) pain if it doesn't. I asked in mediation society today if we could also have a conversation with the Zen people in town; Samatha said the meditation society was for his discipline for ease of learning in a linear, easier sequence (made sense). I was hurt and attached extra meanings when he brought up my 'beliefs' as a UU (open-mindedness, as if I am incapable of attaching to one path just because I accept truths imbued in many paths). I was nervous when I heard his voice on the phone because I had victimised myself and made him a bit of an antagonist for rejecting my suggestion (backing myself up with 'but other people want to learn too; it's only knowledge, we're not ditching anyone; it doesn't have to be part of the main society course; we can help set up the contact). Instead he told me Kelsang Loten had thought it would work to spend a week learning about Zen and we should start up contact. Samatha had not known how to answer. I should have remembered he has been a monk for a year, she for two decades. He is the president of the club but is open to reasoning from others - Loten will be important, as the Buddhist nun teacher of the society. I am glad she is open to learning about another discipling, comparing and contrasting, etc. I am glad Samatha is letting us do it. I am happy to help contact them with Nadia once Samatha sends us the information.

Learning process, learning process. Learning each time to take a bigger step out of my Mind when all it is doing is abusing its power. I am not my Mind. It is conditioned and filled with cycles. At present I have little grasp at running it on low power, and have to either turn it off with my games of Leaf or Hello Mind or Meditation, or have it on for my problem-solving. It all has to be very conscience and self-aware, and if I slip without noticing out of awareness, I end up caught up in the high-low, good-bad, black-white-confused cycles of my Mind.

There! I have thrown mindgoo at you! But this is my livejournal, where I occasionally allow myself to do that. :)

Also, when Jojo and I were going through our soil samples yesterday trading earth worms and pot worms? We were talking about our relationship vs. working with Pjort, and Jo mentioned that we worked well together. I said, "Like work wives!" and she said, "Exactly! We're work wives!" And then she got mad at me for not having my boobs out. (I wore my frog bra to press the shelf/the twins down.) Eeeeeven though she's a straightie, she's just as tied up with my boobs as the girls in high school! Silly. Pip and Jo spend half the time talking about my bosom. Harrumph! Giggles.

Gotta fly! Time to get a drink f water, play some gentle tunes on uke and crash major!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Loves, can you keep one of my dearest and oldest friends and her loved ones/beloved community in your heart for a while?

I was an oblivious, petty friend when it counted and I never know what people thinking good thoughts do, but I like to think it helps in some way. Goodness knows if I want any group of amazing people to think good thoughts, it's you all.

I wish there was something I could do to help more directly.

I'm so sorry, Love. You know who you are and I do love you unconditionally and only wish for you to be happy, so when things like this happen that frighten you and sadden you it makes me wish I could do something more to help, even if I'm late to the game. And your significant otter has grown on me so much this past year. I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and heart and Kiwish prayers.

I love you and am pulling for all of you to get through this well and quickly, heal up in no time flat and be back to pulling out stomach hairs and being surprised and turning down sex in exchange for papers because it 'just isn't worth it.' Oh yes I went there. I'm so pulling for you.

If there's anything else I can do - shut up, leave you alone, draw pictures, send you a spoon in the mail, anything, please let me know and I'll do it. ♥