November 6th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I didn't get much done today. I went into Stats for the second hour and told Jojo what was up. She had picked me up the notes, highlighted the important things and written notes. It made me feel both loved and validated--she cared enough to do it, and she knew I cared enough about being a student to WANT it done. With many others she would have just grabbed the paper and handed it over. I love my friends.

Intro to the history and philosophy of science was great. When discussing the philosophical change from the idea of Purpose to one of Progression and a mechanical view of the universe as a machine run by chance, random and coincidental, we were given the quote "'The stars,' she whispered, 'blindly run'" and it affected me greatly. I have repeated it in my head many times and it is all over my notes. Wrote it on my arm, too. I love the poem it's from. Will continue analysing it and looking it up.

Came home, ate, worked a tiny bit, house meeting about who intends to leave after this year and whether we'll have to look for a new house as a smaller group or find new people or move back to's up in the air currently, which is a bummer, but we've given a loose deadline that the rest of us would like to know by the end of winter break so we can plan accordingly. Me, Batgirl, Jujubean and probably Tinboy are in for the long haul. Will be sad to say goodbye to this house prematurely if we have to.

Wonderful sleep from 8 pm - 1.45 a.m. Awake to watch Grey's "Invest in Love." I loved being there live-action with the community, chatting away as it occurred. Commenting would have been fine too. Loved being there with Dars and Chelle and the others. I was elated.

The episode moved me, as is to be expected for an Arizona-centric episode. There was one uncharacteristic outburst but I think it was the combination of the character stress (stress wonks us all out, as I'm well aware) and the writers'/director's desire to create a parallel conflict/argument scene.

As usual Arizona inspires me. Her moral compass is impeccable. I yearn to have a moral compass so firmly grounded in...well, in unconditional love, in pure unconditional love that leads to a spread of happiness, or at least healing that will eventually lead (back) to happiness. It was strange for me to come across a character who thinks of her birthday the way I do--another day. I remember some birthdays that were too forced; I remember locking myself in the upstairs bathroom because it was too stressful and me-centred. I love going to other people's birthday parties. I don't really enjoy huge parties for me. I do enjoy small, more intimate gatherings--where it isn't about me, it's about togetherness and General Celebration, that we're all there together sharing joy.

This episode made me smile and re-lit the hope inside me. Not that it went out, but a flame can always get stronger with further sparks, can it not? Makes me want to get out there a little bit--not specifically for romance, but continuing the love. I always feel so much more connected with my sense of self and the world when I am plugged into these communities with love and shared compassion.

Also makes me impatient for winter hols when I will go out with my sister down to the gay hang-outs of Providence (Kris' begging me, we've got it planned out) to just let our hair down and go crazy. Smiling, dancing, being ourselves. Then bunking over and staying up giggling into the night, or crying for joy or connection or authentic sadness but always a mix and match, and just enjoying things.

It's almost winter. I feel the beautiful itch everywhere. I can't wait. For winter, winter winter is coming.
  • Current Mood
    content Content.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It is 4.25 and I am still at uni, in the library. I didn't expect to still be here. New format for today's entry, stolen from an old format of mine.

[+] I was awake in lecture today.
[-] I did not pay very good attention to the variety of herbicides and all the gibberish we were learning. Extra revision for me before exams, excellent.
[+] My systems for the Weed Biology practicals worked.
[-] Spoc kept pacing up and down the isle (doesn't he have anything to DO with his group?!) and disturbed us a lot. I lost my temper.
[+] Jojo lost her temper an instant before me, so she yelled at him, "Personal Space, Pjort! We're WORKING! Go away!" He did not hear my equally annoyed and slightly more cutting telling-off, even given that it was loud. (Jo's was louder.)
[-] We had to work with him on the next thing and he drove us batty.
[+] I came to the library and put up another response to the e-discussion.
[+] Dave brought me the flyers for the Meditation Society Film Night next week.
[-] I have misplaced my mobile phone somewhere between Circus Society and the Library (close together).
[+] I spoke with Frog today and she smiled at me a lot and she's sort of super cute and it made me happy.
[+] I ran into Mark (personal tutor) downstairs in the library and we chatted for an hour and a half about Life, the Universe and Everything.
[+] I came out to him just through general conversation, without noticing (no words 'gay,' 'lesbian' or 'queer') and afterwards took a moment to really appreciate that I feel so comfortable with myself and the surroundings that I choose for myself.
[-/+] It is raining and getting dark and I have to bike home.
[-/+] It is raining and getting dark so there's no point in sticking around to give out flyers, however giving them out on Monday during rush-hour morning-lecture scurries will probably be good.
[+] Emma stood really close to me today to show me the system used on the board (super confusing!) and it made me giggle/blush at fun crush!feelings I don't normally ever have and don't have thoughts of taking action with.
[-] I am only at 6700 words and I should be at around 10k.
[+] It is the weekend and I will make myself accomplish things.
[+] I am excited for Spain over Easter break.

Alright, then, I should probably get myself moving or something. Being home and in my jammies would be nice right now. I think I will make myself a jacket sweet potato as a treat, because those are super duper nummy and easy.
  • Current Mood
    flirty Flirty.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

So I'm a numpty who did an assignment a week early (last Friday), didn't turn it in and forgot to turn it in this Friday before 4. That is dumb.

What is equally dumb is submitting it late anyway (on Blackboard) and sending an apology email to the professor, just because I hate to have anyone think of me as someone who wouldn't do an assignment or wouldn't do it on time. (I'm fine with people thinking of me as someone who would be ditzy enough to not turn it in - that is very up my alley.) I really need to work on this not having an ego thing! So that was stupid, and will probably make the professor feel uncomfortable, and whatever it's sent.

What I'm confused about is why I'm not crying right now. Normally the cycle is:

1) Kiwi doe something 2) Kiwi feels she has done something that will disappoint someone, and it hurts the people-pleaser inside her 3) Kiwi cries.

I am also confused why I wasn't freaking out and hyperventilating on my bike ride home when I realised the minute after leaving the library that I had forgotten to hand in an assignment worth 10% of my course, that I had already DONE.

This all very much perplexes me. So I'm going to go downstairs and make a jacket sweet potato and then come upstairs for more work. I am so confused with life right now. Why am I okay? Why? That doesn't make any sense.
  • Current Mood
    confused Confused.