September 2nd, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was ridiculous.

I took out my sketchbook and tried to draw or write or something. I failed. I just wrote fearful lines about life. Then I got so torn up inside about how nothing's working that I just cried.

Let's get this down:

- I can't write. I can't even start, can't get myself to open a document.
- I can't read. I open a book, I read lines or paragraphs or pages, I can't keep at it.
- I can't draw. I've done one piece and it was a deadline push. I can't get myself to just sit down and let it out, the way that has always saved me in the past.
- I can't sing. It won't come out. My voice, for spoken word poetry and songs and the lot, just doesn't seem to be here.

To sum that up: I have a fickle muse (who was once dependable) and she has left me, for fear or whatever else.

For life:

- I have three weeks left before I leave. I have made $300, that's it. I was supposed to earn at least 10% of my university year cost.
- I still cannot find a way to earn money, and who wants to hire someone for three weeks?
- The temp. agency has had no opportunities for me.
- Dunkin Donuts near me is no longer hiring.
- The company my father was doing work for is going bankrupt, so we should get the money for what he's already done (32k) but he's very probably not going to be able to do 'phase two' for the 14k we were banking on for the rest of the year.
- My mother is still taking interviews for inane jobs she doesn't want and thus far it hasn't worked.
- My brother still hasn't picked up the job at Hollywood Video because the manager is a flaky b-tart, so all my brother has is his weekend job of putting up the bubble.
- I go back to an expensive university year in a month. I keep wondering when the point is that I am supposed to go 'sod University of Reading, I need to go to University of Massachusetts because my family needs to save money.' It's in our realm of plans, it always has been. It will kill my parents the day they have to bring it up with me, so hopefully that won't happen.

My mother came in this morning, tears in her eyes, to talk about the possibility of my not coming home for Christmas. I said I'll speak about it once she's spoken about it with Da. They are polar opposites--she goes emotional and extremist 'everything is going to hell and we're going to die' and he doesn't speak much and doesn't make note that he's observing the same great problems. I usually trust the middle they come up with, and make my decisions from there.

My friends have left for college. My best friend leaves tomorrow. I haven't made plans with the teachers/friends I have around here. I promised to visit my college friends in Western MA but how can I justify spending money on Petrol when money is rough? I haven't seen these people, I'm just...augh, I'm conflicted.

I guess I can understand why my muse isn't around so much. I would be frightened away too. I AM frightened away too. The Kiwi I know has flown out the window and up into the trees, and whoever I am right now is someone new and far less enjoyable.

What kills me most is what a waste this summer has been. I haven't done anything. I haven't been really, truly successful at anything. I haven't produced anything. I haven't been anywhere new. I haven't done much exciting stuff. I haven't really had a summer, yet it's over.

alsdkjfalskjdf fook this sheet. I'm reverting to useless speech. Just...;alskjf;aoweijf!! OAIWJF;AOWJE!!! D:< D:< D:< (:'C :'C :'C)