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Kiwi Crocus
20 August 2009 @ 04:31 am
It's half past 4 and I can't sleep.

I watched the Gymnast and then I cried. It had nothing to do with the love story. Well, it reminded me of my love story--my love story with myself and (blended), my love story with my body.

I used to be a dancer. My limbs used to stretch up to the sky like a tree branch, flatten against the floor like rice paper, spiral through the air like a maple's delicate seed, flew like a crane over the dawn lake. I used to be a gymnast. I used to bend like a wet palm.

I was merely reminded of such feats. I was reminded of the muscles my body used to contain. Now, I'm stronger than an average jill now anyway--but since when has comparison with OTHERS ever pleased me? It is only with myself. I tested my arms on the supports across the living room, the ones I used to hang from. I remembered being the girl in elementary school who won an award for hanging and pulling up the longest/most--beat the boys in the length of my hang. I fell before I completed one pull up.

I miss it. I miss when my preferred state of peace was perpetual motion rather than ceaseless rest, when I would graciously choose jogging or jumping to sitting or reclining. When I was the first one out the door when it came to activities.

But mostly what I miss is being able to BE that person. Having that choice.

And right now I feel that I am ripping that choice from myself. No, my body no longer has the option to get that near to my personal picture of perfection--that athletic ideal. So I have old knees, fake and cracking hips...I can still achieve motion. I am still flexible from the years of pained stretching I put in during my youth.

I want to try. I really want to try. Not to gain musculature (although it would be a plus), not to lose weight (although it would be a plus), but just because I feel better that way. I feel healthy and full of my personal blend of power, able to run, able to move and be agile. I need to look into exercise regimes.

For now I'm going to go into the living room with my laptop and try out one of the exercise videos Makcuahn gave me. Perhaps the belly-dancing one to begin with.

It's 4.42. Watsonii would be awake and headed to the gym right now.

I'll try this video, and I'll throw some clothings into a bag to start packing, and who knows, maybe I'll try a stretch-walk-jog routine at 5.30, then crash for a nap.

Here's to trying.
 
 
Current Mood: sadSad.
 
 
Kiwi Crocus
20 August 2009 @ 11:11 pm
Nina's Heavenly Delights was good. Panera with Snoopy was great. Checking out a cute girl was fun.

I need to write next week, through my Virginia time. I have written very little (and only fanfic) in far too long. I NEED to write. Once upon a time I could write a whole short story from randomly picking one line in a song. I need to kick my butt into words.

ALSO!

Given I'm going to be at Virginia Beach, if any of you happen to live near enough to the area that you would like to drive the distance to have an adventure day with Kiwi, please let me know! I'm meeting up with another Internet friend (3rd time with him) while I'm there as well, so it's 'no biggie' if I haven't met you IRL. I would love to! Few things make me happier.

I also love phone calls, so if anyone is interested in just a long, random conversation, lemme know and I can put my number up!