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Kiwi Crocus
16 July 2009 @ 04:51 pm
This is not good news. I am totally in one of my funks.

Makuchan and Booby will call at SOME point to tell me what train they're on and I'm going to go pick them up.

At least I get to escape for Interweave from 7.30 until some time. Then back, and I don't know if they're sleeping over. They're going to be all coupley and...I don't know if they exist apart, or if they are just one entity. Whatever.

1) My English cheque book is in England; trying to get in touch with Malcolm to see if I can borrow the house money and get the money back to him as soon as I'm in England.
2) Somehow I still ended up with an ear infection of some sort regardless of using the alcohol in my ear. I will have to use the swimmer's ear junk.
3) Last night was terrible and I have never had a headache that bad in my life.
4) LIVING is just too freaking expensive.
5) I needed to go application-gathering today but I didn't wake up until 3.15, which I understand because last night I felt so terrible and the sleep in the beginning of the night wasn't that great, but it's still really bad that I missed the opportunity to collect apps.
6) We have a house of four driving people with two working cars. The scheduling thing stinks.
7) I don't know what "home" means any more.
8) I can't believe I actually prefer writing/reading fanfiction to having a real life. But it's undeniably true right now.
9) Once again I just want to stay at home in my jammies being slightly productive, watching films and surfing the web.
10) Instead I'm social until Sunday, and then I NEED to have a job, otherwise the world comes crashing down on me and I'll fall more into depression over the fact that my whole household is unemployed and I'm a blackhole for sucking out money we don't have for university and living in a house and I won't be making anything and I won't have a point of existence. And I'll have to go back to England early.

I don't know. I'm just in one of those places where everything is terrible, which completely stinks.

I'm sick of being 19. I don't want to be 20-25. I want to skip the awkward pseudo-adult age. I want to skip the university stress and get to the real world. But then, I don't want to do that either, because that stress is just as scary if not more so. I don't know what I want.

I guess I don't want to have all this fear. Fear of yesterday's impact on today, fear of today's impact on tomorrow, fear of all the tomorrows in general.

I feel like a waste. Oh, if only I could curl up somewhere small with my laptop and some books, not have to worry about price of living or debts I'm collecting or jealousy or loneliness or the American Dream or the English Dream or being useful or having a future.

Sigh. I know everything's going to be alright, because even when things aren't alright things are always fine because we deal with the stuff as it comes and it's all about how to be in the moment and bla bla bla, but I'm definitely in that place where nothing Feels Fine.
 
 
Current Mood: scaredScared.
 
 
Kiwi Crocus
16 July 2009 @ 05:20 pm
She said she was coming for "early afternoon" to help me drive around for applications.

Apparently "early afternoon" now translates to "after six and oh I'm bringing my boyfriend."

I am so GLAD I speak Girl! And that I obviously knew this yesterday when she told me she was coming Early Afternoon!

I only have the car until 7 p.m. If she arrives at the train station any later that 6.45, she's going to have to walk to my house.

I am one cranky crocus right now.

Edited to Amend: Oh, no, new translation. "Early afternoon" means "My boyfriend decided not to come and I'll be there after seven."

So I don't have a car to pick her up. My mother will be rushing back from tennis to pick me up so we can go to Interweave. Makuchan will be walking. Mother has agreed to pick Makuchan up if she sees Makuchan.

Which means I won't even really get to see her before I'm saying, "Oh, by the way, I have to dip off for an hour or two, make yourself at home!" which isn't REALLY a big deal because Makuchan and I have been good friends since I was 14 and stuff like this has happened before, but erg, still.

Why does it feel like life stinks so much right now?

ETA(2): Thank goodness my Da is a sweetheart and is letting me borrow the car longer to pick her up and zoom back.
 
 
Current Mood: crankyCranky.