June 17th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

[. science vs. hopeless romance .]

I think I've been reading too much Callica fic. I've noticed many differences with the three factions of Grey's Anatomy fic that I read: Callica is very 'one true love,' mushy gushy for the most part; Calzone is often very silly, adorable and lovey-dovey in its own manner; Erica-post-Seattle-Grace is very exploratory, step-by-step and sexy.

So I've been drowning in the "one true love" aspects of Callica. I don't know why it's getting to me.

I debated with myself in the shower. Talking out loud, of course, because I'm crazy. About one true loves and soul mates and how, scientifically, I don't see how that could work out. Because so many people hardly leave their home area at all yet manage to find their "one true love" and I don't see how, categorically, that could be true. If there are nearing 7 billion people on the planet, how likely would it be that a homebody would find the One True Soulmate so close to home? Even trying to take a one-decade age range into account, or something. Romance is so often based on similarities, foundations--cultural similarities, career similarities, addiction similarities sometimes (those don't tend to work out so well), even completely opposing traits can bring together a sense of predictable similarity.

So then I stood back, glared down at my toes and announced, "Kiwi, you are entirely missing the point." I decided to end my debate there and shampooed my hair instead.

Apparently romance goes over my too-scientific head. At least, the hard-core Hopeless Romantic variety. Am I a hopeless romantic? I wonder sometimes. I think it's buried deep under a few strong walls, but even then not to the extreme that I've been experiencing lately. I don't feel like a hopeless romantic.

I'll be through the One True Love stuff soon, I imagine. I don't know why I spend so much of my time reading fanfic. Writing fanfic. Then again, when I look at mine, so much of the recent (post-sophomore year) fic has more to do with humour and communication...it's about living as adults with integrity.

Shrugs. I guess I'm just witnessing my priorities change.

Still makes me wonder though. I'm reminded, from time to time, that even my (very good) therapist's strongest hope for me involved love. "Kiwi, I really hope that you open up to someone in that way. Fall in love."

I guess she trusts me with my own heart, that I'll treat it with care and respect. At this point, I'm not afraid of pain or future hurt. I have always done pretty well in times of dark. Managed to smile, even with a touch of melancholy, throughout. I'm more concerned about falling at all.

But! Scientifically, with the great number of (often similar) people I meet on an annual basis, and the statistics of those who are nonstraight (especially given the increased number in younger generations of more liberal populations), the statistical chance that I will meet someone who sets off those chemicals in my brain that makes my stomach flutter and knees tingle is high. Gonna happen some time.

So at least science is comforting in its own right, even if I can't get my mind to frolic joyously through fields full of "happily ever after, one true love, forever and ever" flowers.
  • Current Mood
    cynical Cynical.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

[. small nothings .]

It seems fitting, somehow, that the sun has turned to rain on this June day and I just watched a last lone magpie fly away; "The Shape I Found You In" begins to play and my mind has jumped to conclusions yet has so little to say.
  • Current Music
    "The Shape I Found You In" -- Girlyman.