May 5th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


Yesterday. I tried to let myself sleep to catch up a bit, but then ended up waking at 5.30 and getting mediocre sleep from then until noon. It felt like a waste. Well, everything feels like a bit of a waste these days.

I worked on my ecology packet all day. That was not the intention, given I just had the final discussion to do. But every time I sat down to do it my body would start crying. So it was long in working through. Andrea and Lauren caught me sniffling at one point and came in to comfort me.

So that was the regular Frustration Circle. Sit down to work -> frustration/fear -> tears -> frustration at tears -> further hopelessness -> further tears. So I would take a deep breath and put my work aside for a moment.

I realised that playing Cat Stevens tends to help me a bit with staying in the present. The music reminds me of the World Around Me (giggles, WAM) and how there is so much more than all this. So I was able to work through the ecology packet more. Harry came and gave me a hug too.

But when I went down to Batgirl's room for a little break she asked me how my revision was going and I answered I got my ecology packet done, she looked at the calender and said, "You know we only have...a week left, right?" I swear I almost burst into a bubbly puddle right there on the spot.

Yes, I KNOW I have a week. Yes, I KNOW it's stupid that every time I sit down to my work I cry, because I AM intelligent and I CAN do it and I WILL be fine through all this. But does knowing all that on whatever level that I do actually help me right now? Apparently not, because I'm still crying every time I sit to work or revise. I feel helpless and stupid, and I hate that. But I gave her a look after she said it and she seemed to understand right away.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all a big excuse, a big safety net. That my grade anxiety/work panic/test anxiety is just there to excuse laziness or ordinary procrastination. And then I think that that doesn't feel right either, because I would be so happy to see it gone and be able to do these things early and feel good about them. So I don't know.

We watched Chronicles of Riddick last night. I organised my exploiters notes. Tin and Emma joined too, which was nice. They're so cute together. Went to bed early last night but then woke up again earlier than intended and had yuck-o sleep until 9.15, when my alarm went off. Now it's 10 to 11 and I'm finally going to settle down to whatever it is that revision is, which eludes me.

I skimmed an email my Mum sent the other day. It mentioned Da not doing The Relationship Thing in university either, just using the time to focus on Self and Work. But then it made me thing that I'm just being terrible because I'm not doing a very good job concentrating on Work if I seem to just fail at doing it. I don't know. I just feel like a frakup most of the time.

Yeah, I think it's time for some Cat Stevens. 'cause mySelf as a Person seems to be a dichotomy: the cool singing ukulele girl who has her head screwed on right and everyone goes to, and the panicked little girl whose mind is constant mush and emotion body is in riot so she just can't seem to get anything done.

(I miss knowing there are compassionate woman teachers around to run to when I need a hug and assurance that I'm going to be just fine, and people are going to love me anyway, unconditionally--because goodness knows I've got a list of conditions for MYSELF.)
  • Current Mood
    distressed Distressed.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


I love how when I think, "Ah, I wish I could go back to easier times, like 8th grade OWL or 9th grade English or sophomore COA..." my prior selves rear up and exclaim, "Excuse me! These were NOT easier times, they were equally painful, get over yourself! At least you can WALK, woman! Take what you can get and stop your petty nostalgic thoughts, they weren't easier times then and they don't make your time easier now!"

Yes. I get owned by my Selves. Starting at, like, age 7. (Although she's admittedly more pleasant, she just sort of looks up at me with big sad eyes and asks that she please not be given any more shots, thank you.)

Back to revision.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic Nostalgic.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

This AIM conversation sums up student life during the last few weeks of school:

Kiwi: Please remind me that death is not the answer.
Auto response from Snoopy: dying dying dying dying dying dying dying
K: Well. Your away message certainly didn't do that.

And she asked if I had seen her away message first, which I totally hadn't.

I am so screwed. I am convinced the world is ending. It ISN'T, but it feels like it. Aaaaaaah! Someone frakking save me!
  • Current Mood
    amused Amused.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 16:52 We are apparently watching Chronicles of Riddick (sp). But not Pitch Black first! Blasphemy! Gathering.
  • 18:50 @moebiuscascade I do not blame you for twitting such a thing. I think Batgirl's boytoy Pirate got it too. Hope I don't get a stomach bug!
  • 04:44 My first tweet was “I wonder if this will make my work life, in hindsight, more bearable.” It sort of did, actually. A little bit.
  • 04:47 I am still so tired. Went to bed at a good time. Woke up again early due to construction and people. Sleeping again hard. Frak this, yawn.
  • 07:13 I just mistook a video of a crowd clapping as a collection of microbes under a microscope. I have been doing too much science this year!
  • 08:35 Lunch is done now. Working to hold the tears at bay, Cat Stevens whispering in my ear, I feel alright alright alright. Back to Sargasso Sea.
  • 08:54 Cat Stevens playlist finally finished. Let's see if Kate Voegele can keep me from tears too. Hopefully almost done with Sargasso.
  • 09:07 I love how eel preparing to mate are "eel in nuptial dress." Picturing wedding dresses! Laughter. And then they possibly DIE. Nature, wow.
  • 10:47 Good gods it is winding up a storm at Windsor. Shrieking winds. Awake from my little nap, back to revision. Still going to die.
  • 12:04 @amandapalmer Thank you for explaining in one tweet what I couldn't ever understand, about love and music and writing. Makes SENSE now!
  • 12:15 It has been decided. Somehow, I wouldn't get through my revision without folk music. Or coursework without angsty, broody music. Muusak love
  • 13:34 Tea is done, I'm back to revision. Endless endless, rolling on and on. Through Peter, Paul & Mary and on to Buffy St. Marie..
  • 13:59 @Burningeden I agree. Perhaps THAT'S why I'm on a total old folk music stint right now. I just can't get enough.
  • 14:00 The exploiters tests are marked. They're at the teaching office. Get tomorrow? Nerves, nerves. Hope I did well. Less exam pressure.
  • 14:11 Batgirl fails at talking to me sometimes. Guilting me about panic? So does not work. Kind of makes me sick and...panicky. So. Back to work.
  • 14:44 Oops. I can tell I'm stressed. Becky just came in to apologise and then apologise for apologising, and I snapped for her to stop apologising
  • 14:51 Time for my short break and a little nap. I am so screwed. Why the frak did I do this to myself? Little cry break, too. The world is ending.
  • 15:44 @snoopy874 Snoopy I'm dying. =[. I miss you and people and feeling not afraid. Can't this be over now?
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!