April 23rd, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Panic

Summary. Hmm. Monday night to Tuesday was hell. Roller-coastery, good-at-some-highs hell. I also got my period. So I spent my two days working, panicking and Collapse )

Tuesday morning I went to brekky with Sass and Jujubean. Called Naomi and she agreed to work with me online since she was still working too. I came up and was working on my Introduction, talking with Naomi about data and glancing at the graphs she had sent me. Then I was crying. Washtowel in front of my face to calm me a bit, but it got worse and I wasn't breathing right.

I faintly recognised, "Kiwi, this is a panic attack" but it was too far gone and I couldn't calm myself. I started feeling sick and also knew I would feel better to blow my nose and relieve pressure, so I ran to the bathroom. As I was running I thought, "Great. This hasn't happened since I would end up in the arms of Mrs. Cavanagh. How silly," because during panics I think of weird stuff like that. I was caught by the cleaning maid, who (not very well) got me to calm down. She's sweet but not very effective. Then again, I was used to Mrs. Cavanagh, who could deal with me like no one else could. Jujubean was in the loo by that time (she came at some point when I was hyperventilating but my eyes were closed and I didn't see it) and then Sass at some point too. So I was lead back to my room.

And I appreciate their efforts, especially Sass, but Juju's turned into more of a lecture. I know she's 22 or whatever. It doesn't really mean she has all the answers. She has failed different subjects all her life without batting an eye--the English system is different. I have never failed, and regardless, my fear of failure is still always there. As is my fear of being handicapped all my life and having it influence my options. She told me to sit in hope, hope that something new, some new technology may come up--which is true on one level, but a certain degree of planning also has to go in with Probable Realities alongside Possible Hopes.

Should I panic? No. But should I find a medium between me and Jujubean? Yes. She wants me to see things the way she does, use her logic to defeat panic.

The thing is...I HAVE all the logic in my brain. If you sit me down and talk to me, I have very logical views of all this. I know why I shouldn't panic. Why Worry to some degree is OK, because it keeps us striving and motivated, but increased Worry defeats itself--provides a constant fear, an anxiety that can cloud.

Which is what anxiety does. Panic CLOUDS. It creates a disconnect between whatever is in a person's Head and Reality. For me it makes the moment I'm in simultaneously The End All Be All (if I fail this minute, my life is over) and Inconsequential (it doesn't matter how I do in this moment, I'm screwed for the next and I'm going to fail).

So perpetual fear of failure, yeah, it sucks. Fear of teacher judgement? Yeah, it sucks. Because in the Real World I've charmed every teacher I've ever had, and in the Real World that's what matters to me. Yes, I admit it has always improved when they witness my work ethic and ability to perform. But the sort of teacher who will judge me personally and drop respect for me from some less-than-fantastic marks? Not the kind of teacher, In The Real World, I care to impress anyway. "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," I believe it goes.

Anyway, the cleaning maid brought another cleaning maid and the head of house man to my room while Sass and Jujubean were in. They asked if I was going to go to health and service centre and I said I will. At some point soon I will. S & J tried to convince me to fill out an extension form and get myself figured out before I finished the report. I thought that was abusing the system to cover for my own stupidity of putting the report off, even the decision WAS panic-driven. I was much more interested in taking responsibility for my mistake and striving to do better next time--get help before the next deadline, keep on my toes.

With Sass' help and Naomi's examples I got the graphs done and finished up the report in time to deliver it. Hung around being sleepy. Apparently Alicia came 'round and that stirred up all sorts of problems. Harry decided to tell her none of us believe her (she's a compulsive liar) so of course she went more crazy and is trying to break the group up more. She's not housing with us next year. So I'm a) miffed about a cost rise and afraid my mother will kill me and b) sad to see her true colours are not the hues we once saw. It was stinky.

Watched If These Walls Could Talk II and it was beautiful. Tried to look at Humans assignment but couldn't.

Collapse )

Went to ecology. My group was lovely but difficult--couldn't do maths, didn't communicate well, shushed my voice. But when we made a mistake, going only to 24m, I made sure we knew exactly where everything was on the first transect so we could replicate it for the other two. I started joining in the digging of pitfall traps because I was the fastest digger. Getting hands-on (even in the thickets patch of nettles) cheered my spirits until I was playing Spice Girls from my iPod and dancing. Hung around with Clair when the others went to get someone to sign our field notebooks. We finally got the last pitfall trap in at the fifth attempt with rocks 'round. Walked back. Went to town with Jujubean, Rich and Sass. Toys R Us. Icecream and alcohol stop. The whole group of us went outside to drink and enjoy the sun or shade (me shade). I worked on Humans packet. We had a ball.

Came back in, I skipped tea and stayed in my room catching up on lj to feel I had community. Went down to the bar later when Jujubean was giving Harry a lecture. I joined in with compassion instead and made some valid points she wasn't able to express. ("I understand the moral dilemma, Harry. They were true facts and you wanted to share them. The problem is, they weren't YOUR Truths to share--we all have personal truths, and things get tricky when we start trying to interpret and repeat the truths of others'. It's why personal communication is the best. If you wanted to tell Alicia, 'Alicia, *I* don't believe you' that would be fine--it would be your decision. 'I' statements are all yours. The problem is when they're other people's truths and statements become, 'I heard THEY think/believe' or 'I think THEY' or 'I believe THEY'--that causes problems unless you've asked those people first if it's OK to share their truths, otherwise there's a lack of respect there as well. It's a difficult line to see. I don't blame you, Harry, we've all had problems with it.") We came back up and had Corridor Time. I got a problem done on my Humans packet. We watched Wanted, which is a terrible film that is so bad it's funny. Third time watching it.

So now I'm back and it's Wednesday night. I'm almost through this week. Humans packet due in on Friday. Soil Seed Bank was crap but apparently everyone's is. I'm almost to the weekend. Tomorrow is a big work day. Groan.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted Exhausted.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Procrastination Win

Ohmigods! The genetics practical tests aren't due in until Sunday the 26th, not Friday the 24th! So all I have to worry about for Friday is the Humans thing!

This brightens my mood and it's almost sleep time. :D

Also, if any of you were curious about my height or hair length:

Kiwi Height Hair

The short girl with the massive frizzy mane and silver Docs? That would be me. Normally my hair is more controlled than that. That day, apparently, it wasn't. I would suppose it's around waist-length now although it doesn't seem it 'cause it's curly.
  • Current Mood
    ecstatic Ecstatic.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 06:04 Is awake for the day now and glad she got some sleep, 'cause she wonders how much she'll get tonight. Nearly shower time she thinks.
  • 06:51 Ahh. One of the cleaning ladies just came to check on me. Being caught panicking? It's a frakking beech, man. But it was adorable so whatev.
  • 08:28 Long lunch and talk with Hatt/Harry&Matt. H will write a letter to Sass. Time for me to shower and work. Jack hasn't done Humans either lulz
  • 09:05 'kay. Decided I wanted some nakey time now that I've had a shower. So door locked, out you go world, it's nakey homework time! :P
  • 09:15 @moebiuscascade Nawr, it's just his "talk." He won't let them date. Against God? @FirmieFirms Haha, yeah, it's 2 p.m. here. Lunch was shite!
  • 09:50 Fave line from Better Than Chocolate: "Oh, well, she's 19. There's always something going on when you're 19." So true. Yay a 19 line!
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!