April 18th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Ditz, Kiwi!

Let's see. Today has been nice. I relaxed and stuff. Didn't FINISH my report, but I got 800 words, which is more than half it done. And it is honestly a harder thing for me to START a report than it is to write it. Now it's just a matter, for me, of plugging more stuff in. So I'm happy, it'll be done tomorrow and I can start working on the soil seedbank report.

I like staying on top of the news and current events now. When did that happen?

I ate too much chocolate, as always.

Started a fanfic when it was inspired by some comments in a community thread.

I also chatted too much in one of the community posts and got a polite request to take it to PMs/journal. Fine, good, dandy. Apologised. Felt worse when I saw another request because I had replied before seeing the first request, but beyond that, all was good.

Which was what I told myself. While all the while my stomach felt terrible and eats at me. Honestly? It's RIDICULOUS how much I end up caring about what people I respect think of me, especially when it comes to breaking rules I didn't mean to. (If they're rules I stand morally opposed to and set out of my way to bend/break them and draw attention to it, that's a different story.) I respect this mod as a mod and as a person. Which means I get a guilt gut of embarrassment and fear of judgment for my own poor judgment and conduct.

It just irked me slightly that in these situations I'm not able to take a deep breath to get a cool, thoughtless draft blowing through my mind and ease the tension in my stomach. I just end up stumped and stuck.

So I'm taking deep breaths and getting myself to smile. I goofed. People goof. I took responsibility, I apologised, I dealt with it like a mature human being with feeligns. What more can I do? I can't help what I'm remembered for in the end, when everything is said and done.

I'm up an hour past my bed time! No reading or music for me! Straight to bed, so I can be up tomorrow for 10 to get back to work! Don't know if I'll be off with Charchar at any time. Whatever happens is good.

"Que sera, sera" always drifts through my head at times like these.
  • Current Music
    Harry Potter Midi
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Self, what?

Egh. Sleep did not work so fantastically.

I need to figure out how to sleep through work worry.

It's also weird that for the first time in 19 years, I am every single night imagining crawling into bed and having a woman wrap an arm around me. I've had different phases of loneliness and desire for companionship. I've never had this.

I'm not actively looking. I'm not very lonely. I'm completely happy, elated in some ways, to be single.

So why this, I wonder?

Although I will admit I miss sleeping with people--friends and the like. It's nice to have someone to cuddle before sleep. Spooning friends is wonderful.

It's sunny out today. That makes me smile. It's noon. Time to read my news article and get back to work, then I'll give myself some fanfic time.

This quote hit home:

You are now in control of your life. You see, the ego is never in control. The ego is controlled by wishes for comfort and convenience on the part of the body, by demands of the mind, and by outbursts of the emotions. But the higher nature controls the body and the mind and the emotions. I can say to my body, "Lie down there on that cement floor and go to sleep," and it obeys. I can say to my mind, "Shut out everything else and concentrate on this job before you," and it's obedient. I can say to my emotions, "Be still, even in the face of this terrible situation," and they are still. It's a different way of living. The philosopher Thoreau wrote: If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps he hears a different drummer. And now you are following a different drummer--the higher nature instead of the lower. - Peace Pilgrim
  • Current Music
    Over the Rainbow - Celtic Woman.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Smooth, Kiwi, Silky Smooth

This is how smooth I am.

Collapse )

So. Yes. If you ever need to pretend a conversation isn't happening? I'm your girl! I also can't believe those thoughts all bounced around my head within one minute.
  • Current Music
    A Sentimental Man - Wicked.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 16:44 tinyurl.com/cbxyqr|66%3A2|65%3A12|39%3A1|240%3A1318#ebayphotohosting THIS BE MINE NAOW?
  • 17:36 I am at the point of actually begging people to talk with. I haven't had a facetoface conversation since Tuesday. I need talks. Bad.
  • 17:58 Ohmigods, so little of this report is actually relevent. WTF. This report is producing the worst work from all the eco!kids.
  • 19:56 @moebiuscascade Fight Club! That is definitely so much better than packing. I wrote a scene to a fanfic. 800 words and a fanfic. Fail.
  • 20:20 There is no way it could be a good sign that my introduction is longer than anything else in my paper will be. I hate this organisation!
  • 20:38 Eek. Got told off for commenting in a community post too much. Drats sensitivity, my stomach is all guilty butterflies and fear of judgment!
  • 06:14 Awake awake, gone through all my emails, smiles yay time to go through websites and get back to work!
  • 08:36 This made me laugh bitterly. So government. Shakes head and sighs. tinyurl.com/dgstj4
  • 08:39 Frak. Why did I have to go and say 'government' in a tweet? Now I'm getting all these adds by politicians and randoms. I DISSED it, go away!
  • 10:04 @moebiuscascade Yaaaay Zoë being back at uni! I've got 900 words done on my report. :] This is happy!
  • 10:20 If I ever move to Seattle for a bit I am going to the UU church there. It looks fantabulous. Uhm, no, I'm not researching for fanfic, whaaa?
  • 10:38 There is not a cloud in the sky. It is blue and bright. Sun says hello to me, tapping me on the shoulder with delighted smiles and birdsong.
  • 10:40 @thinkingxbeing Cheer up! I'm going to be obnoxiously perky at you, even as I write a report! What's the best way to get in touch with you?
  • 10:59 Not sure how I feel about having myself for a twitter picture. Think I may prefer a Green Janis Joplin. Hmmhmmhmm, decisions decisions.
  • 11:14 Who just hit 1000 words? Oh, I think that would be me! Yaaaay! :D This can be done, work can be done early somehow, whee! Not impossibility!
  • 11:25 @shondarhimes How much does actor-to-actor chemistry affect the writing of the show? Uhm, good luck getting that in 140 characters! Giggles.
  • 12:36 I'm jealous of Gar! She gets to pick between Smith, Mt. Holyoke and Wellesly. Lucky lucky girl! Although I'd be considered lucky too. Huh.
  • 13:49 @createsunspots Laughter, uhm, because I'm at uni in England studying ecology...? :P Although Smith is absolutely lovely and I love it. <3.
  • 13:52 Wow people get upset about the Callie/Mark chemistry thing. Not betrayal to Erica/girls for Cal to have chem wtih boys. With Ari now anyway!
  • 14:16 @amandapalmer twitpic.com/3j9ff - I entirely support spray-on sun-block save when my own stupidity gets the best of me, I don't k ...
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!