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Kiwi Crocus
03 April 2009 @ 12:00 am
Be  
Listening to Suzanne Vega is so peaceful.

I think Sass is sick of me. We're very different people. I'm trying to adjust my schedule, honestly I am. I'm going to sleep usually by 3 a.m., which is early enough to wake up before noon. If I were able to sleep. Which is not really happening.

The TV is constantly on. It confuses me. I am not used to this dependency on the TV. All the women of the household end up with laptops on laps and the TV ceaselessly speaking from the corner of the room. It never has anything real to say, but it never stops talking. Seems society would die if it stopped talking. Sometimes if it had something to say.

I've been trying to work, do work early. It tears my heart. It produces tears in my eyes. I don't know why people work early for things. I swear this is worse than procrastination. It's just prolonging all the yucky feelings I get. It's probably because I care about this stuff. When I don't care about it and I finish early, it's just done. If I do care it doesn't leave me until I pass it in. I'm worried about the work I have to do for the end of break and for revision and exams. As usual. Worryworryworry. But peaceful breaths.

I spoke with Erin today, a friend of mine from my UU congregation. She's moving to Austin soon, her old town. Reconnecting with the old UU buddies. It was just so wonderful, oh so beautifullyamazinglyfabulously wonderful, to talk to another hippie UU. I am so comforted to speak with these people. I miss fellow wicked-liberals, and I miss the snuggles that come with them. Not just the UUs and the hippies, all my super liberal friends. Thank Earth for Jo and CJ and the eco girls. It's just too bad I'm not around them right now.

I've been emailing with my uncle in Maine. As usual, talk went to motorcycles. And I mentioned hoping my hip would be up for riding the bikes. He's very excited. He said I used to look like Janis Joplin on the bikes. I'm really going to try this summer. He's going to email me again in a minute when he remembers which Janis Joplin album he thinks I should get. Not that I can ever get enough Janis Joplin.

And I mean, this is me. Crazy hippie liberal UU who loves Janis Joplin and Rachel Carson a bit too much. People talk about my becoming an academic, some sort of professor maybe. Working through the condemning stress that is university and education after it, which I can only imagine ends up more stressful.

I can't see it. I can't see me in a tailored suit with a curly bob cut and a cute, lopsided sarcastic smile in front of a lecture of 200 kids, gesticulating my arms and being crazy. Or if I can, I can't imagine enjoying the path to getting there.

Maybe someday. For now I can see myself travelling around with good portions of time in each places, getting sucked in by the culture and snuggling, singing my ukulele 'round camp fires and living in co-op, communal houses learning to garden in the back yard and cook vegan foods without burning down a kitchen or suffering a kitchen-induced panic attack.

I don't want to be a disappointment. But I also want to do what feels right, what I want to do. I have one life, at least one that this Self attached to this current life is around for, and this Self that is me wants to enjoy it.

So. I guess I can either be perpetually nervous-and-excited, hot-and-cold, up-and-down, happy-and-sad, or I can take a deep breath. Be everything and nothing at the same time. Just Be.

I'm working on it.
 
 
Kiwi Crocus
03 April 2009 @ 05:28 pm
Last night I was thinking about Janis Joplin and searched some quotes. Collected the ones I liked a lot, smiles. A lot of stuff I would say too!

QuotiesCollapse )

Chuckles. There has also been an addition to my icon collection.
 
 
 
Kiwi Crocus
03 April 2009 @ 09:01 pm
  • 19:57 In the end, it all works out okay. So why do I stress it? What a silly constant question. Because I do. So stop it. Okay.
  • 20:45 What are some good things to use for Charades? Objects/people/sayings/events, the like? Writing story and need some good examples.
  • 11:22 Go Iowa! Totally didn't expect that one. First of the Midwesterns down! Hopefully keeping it up...
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!