February 16th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

The Current

Ah. So. I had the all-nighter. I had my mad lecture after opening my gifts. I slept through most of it. Pip decided to torment me by moving my pillow (coughbookcough) around while my face was on it. Pretended to stick a pretzel stick up my nose. Smacked me over the head with her (large) packet of paper a few times. Lovely, mature 34-year-old she is...grins. But I can tell from the abuse she adores me! Smiles. Emma was studying her birds. I wish I could be as studious as she is. I wonder if I would be if I were a 27-year-old mature student who entered uni from being sick of librarian work... CJ and Mellon/Jo looked through my Ann Summers catalog with me, then by themselves when I decided to go back to sleep.

We all went out to Bella Italia with our 50% coupon. That's the Windsorite lot. Had fun. Came back home for some alone time.

Got in bed early. Watched Loving Annabelle. Played with Mellon's gift. There will be a section of Kiwish Too Much Information. Please ignore it and skip over it if you're not comfortable with the idea of my having an actually active sexuality. I won't be offended! I just don't do friends-only, let alone make different lists.

Collapse )

Saturday I let myself stay in bed until after 5! I Internetted, cleaned some, had a nice time. Showered eventually and shaved for the first time in a long while (TMI again, apologies). Came out and put on my V-Day rainbow sequin thong, just for myself. Silky flame boxers and comfortable muscle shirt. I felt nice. Chatted and started uploading old fanfic on ff.net. Went to bed at random.

Woke up today after 3 (well, Juliette woke me up once to ask if I wished to go down to lunch, which I appreciated). Internet all day. More uploading. Other nonsense. Dinner of pizza with the others in Juliette. Then were watching the auction channel and...well, it made me raise my eyebrow. Why people would sit around watching "prices drop" to levels that are still insane for the item escapes me. They seemed to take great delight in calling the bidders pathetic as the names scrolled over the bottom of the screen.

Came back. I don't know what I've been doing. Finally got started on my birds. Need to stop letting nerves get the best of me! I KNOW I can be a good student! I was an excellent student through high school. I know how to work hard and do well, even with some tricky subjects. Why I can't get myself to work in university is a mystery to me. Well, beyond the fact that I'm entirely frightened of it all the time. To me university "matters." High school was just a means to get to university.

It's hard to keep perspective. In reality, all anyone looks for is a Degree. Which means I have to score above a 40 through university. In Kiwish Reality, everything matters too much and I should be getting above 70s constantly. It frightens me. The exams at the end of the year, and how much they mean to each course, frightens me. Exams can be up to 80% of the whole year's grade.

Good gods, the lot of it can make me shiver. I want to think I'm intelligent enough for this. That I can get in the right mind set and learn all this for exams. That I can use it in the "real world" beyond university. Everyone else has that faith in me. I'm torn between wanting to have that faith and hope and wanting to stay in the comfortable Now, when it's all in the Future that I can prepare for Now but remain in my safe padding.

Attiya thinks I'm going to be famous. My old teachers think I'm going to be the next Rachel Carson. Some think I'll be the next J. K. Rowling or, from Mr. Dufault, possibly the next John Irving.

Sometimes instead of facing the world I just want to sit in a little (electronically active) cave and write my life away.

Anyway, going to Mellon's tomorrow night until Tuesday. That will be nice. Then my brother and family will arrive Wednesday. My Bird Spot Test of Death will be Thursday. Have to have my practical assessment done by Friday, which freaks me the frak out. Then the weekend again. Where does this time all go? What monster consumes it with such intensity?

I've also thought about fanfic a lot. But that's enough for tonight.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Ah. Before I go to bed I'm going to leave my laptop running without Stu's external harddrive. (I've been using it since last week when I was copying over my stuff.)

If it crashes before morning, especially if it's before I fall asleep, I'll have to bring Stu's harddrive to Mellon's tomorrow and make haste in calling Dell back. (They tried to come when I wasn't available and instead of saying, "Oh we can come back later" like they PROMISED, they said that I will have to call them back and set up a new day instead. I'm sick of Dell.)

Otherwise I might be free to take one day and bring my laptop alone to Mellon's. We'll see.

Regardless, bed-time. 9 a.m. exploiters tomorrow and haven't been in two weeks. Batgirl hasn't since week one.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Last night Juliette came into my room around 1 a.m. At first I wondered if she was worried about me (I haven't been hanging out with the group that much in a while) but I cleared my mind. She just seemed lonely and wanted to talk.

We talked about a lot of things. It was nice and open. Gods, it's a relief to just Not Think while the other person is speaking--to just be There. I always thought that it would leave me empty and blank when it came to my turn to speak, but that's so not true. Somehow I can understand everything she's saying perfectly well when I'm not Actively Thinking about It or my Next Statement, and always take a breath and have perfectly good things to say when it is my turn. It's a wonderful way to converse.

She stayed in my room for a while. At last she asked what time I had lecture. "9," I told her remorsefully. "9?! Oh, I'm sorry for keeping you up, I didn't know that!" I told her not to worry--I had known, and I stayed awake.

It just went along with all that I had been saying. In my life, I adore the small moments most. I love the Connecting moments. My best example of that is Ferry Beach 2008, when we were all sitting together in the loft, many generations all listening to music and singing songs with each other. Beautiful moments like that.

I don't see my adult self changing. I see her adoring the small Connective moments as well. When best friends call in need of advice; days out on the town with laughter and smiles; time lounging around together in PJs watching favourite shows.

When it comes down to it, that's what I live for. So why do I stress so much these ego-oriented goals, successes, failures and anxiety? It doesn't make sense. So I'm going to try to remember that.

I'm signing off the computer now. Hopefully the next time I sign on I'll be at Mellon's. I'm a bit tired, but I'll grab a very chocolatey and slightly caffeinated breakfast downstairs and make it to Exploiters. Then I'll be at hers for tonight to work and have fun. Sleeping over until Tuesday, when I'll be back for Mammals and then preparing to have my brother over.

Maybe watch the latest L Word episode at some point. Mmm. I'm peace.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 18:28 Ah frak school can be stressful. I miss being a good student. Tests scare me. Striving to stay present, sigh. Life is more than this.
  • 13:37 Sometimes I feel powerful. Sometimes I feel belittled. Neither of them are me. I am not a goddess and I am not a victim. I just Am.
  • 13:38 So I'd like to be with myself/the universe right now, and not stuck up in my bruised and useless ego. I stumble and drop my head. Silly girl
  • 13:38 Also, I showed Melon my hip today. She thought it was great. Biohazard bag in a biohazard back. Some people say I have one hip, I say three.
  • 13:49 I am a sapling that bends over backwards at the slightest hint of a breeze...
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


Oh ruddy duck, I'm frakked.

Scores have not been fab on all fronts.

I don't have a textbook. I have notes and the sheets from lecture. I am so frakked for this.

So I'll have to take deep breaths, work through the studying and take it. And if I get a 0, hug myself and know I did my best, and hug Melon too.

But frak it, stuff like this stinks.