February 13th, 2009

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Ego

Ruddy duck.

I preferred when my panic was about just grades.

Today when I panicked it was:

a) "this will be nowhere as good as the last one, a 78, because no one can find proper sources"
and then
b) "i can't find this publication location; i'll never get this done before genes; i could never get it done in the four hours between genes and humans"
finally to
c) "everyone is going to make fun of me and say i'm not living up to my potential and tell me how right they were and how wrong i am"
with the lingering note of
d) "i don't want the panic back, i'm too stupid for this, why am i here? they're all right and i don't want to admit it, because it bruises my ego, as does the fact that i have an ego, and it's all an endless cycle of negativity."

Then my thought touched:

a) "i'm in my pain-body. i'm just relieving loads of this icky pain from way in the past that this one little publication date triggered. i don't like this."
b) "it's hard to focus on my breathing when i spent a minute forgetting to breath and then five hyperventilating."
c) "i need to get out of the head of negativity. right and wrongs can't touch the me-beyond-identity if i've made it through the ouch and risen above the ego back into space over impermanent forms."

So, when I'm sensible in a few days or hours or whatever this will end up, I will look back and think in the time that I was procrastinating, I should have put down A New Earth.

I have 200/1500 without having actually written the stuff--just headings and references. 1300 words to write before 4 p.m. and I'm skipping my 9 a.m. Genes and Chromosomes.


I can't allow myself to do this again. I'm so tempted to keep judging myself harshly and beating myself up, but in the end it doesn't help anything. It makes other people thinking I'm getting the message across to myself.

I know the message: I CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS. All-nighters the night before due-dates. Panicking over small things; sweating the small stuff; forgetting to breath and then overpowering my ability to control the breath itself. As tempted as I am to continue the self-flogging, I really have to take a step to the left and not judge, just stay present next time--don't let myself get caught up in thoughts that make me panic every time I try to work on it before the last minute.

I guess Fresher Year really is for learning of all kinds.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Done

I'm done.

It actually didn't go THAT badly. Rough in places, no idea how I did, but not too badly.

On the spectrum of a Kiwi Panic, that was very low. Just a few sets of tears, a bit of trouble with the breathing and a spot of mind-nonsense.

I skipped a lecture. Ohgaspnoes. Not Genes and Chromosomes, the one no one pays attention in because it's Friday Morning and too much to think about and fast and icky.

I'm going to Humans and the Changing World to meet up with Jo. I'll send her a text as soon as I'm off.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 22:45 @snoopy874 Singing that song off key is a fabulous thing to do. It always comes into my playlist, especially for homework.
  • 23:08 I am so IM-dependent when I'm working through the night. I need to find the other all-night people at Reading. Apparently lots?
  • 02:37 @snoopy874 Congrats! Have a nice night sleep. You deserve it.
  • 02:38 I have 200 words before beginning to write. 1300 in which to write the report. But after panicking, a little break, please goodbye Ego...
  • 05:35 I don't know what's making my stomach feel sick right now. Sigh, I just want to get this done.
  • 06:22 I have really disappointed Jo. =[. D'Arvit I detest letting people down. Grarrarrar sigh disappointment idiocy...
  • 08:48 It's done and off I go for the most boring lecture ever and time with Mellon, then home for shower or naps or Grey's, then dinner. Sleep.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!