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Kiwi Crocus
23 December 2008 @ 04:03 pm
  • 10:43 Mum is in the shower. I want to be in the shower and clean. Sniff. I don't want to be awake before eleven, this is weird. Geh explodes.
  • 10:44 @moebiuscascade Hope your driving hour went well! I'm always tempted to stay in bed with lappy one minute longer too. So it's on my desk.
  • 11:37 Ooookay, third time to the Aggie in a week. They are going to hate me. This is going to take some persuasion. Egh, egh, egh. Frown.
  • 13:00 I'm back and tired and probably going to read and nap.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!
 
 
Kiwi Crocus
23 December 2008 @ 07:41 pm
I'm doing it. I'm totally doing it.

That thing I do when I'm nervous and frightened or something doesn't feel right... When I go fully into myself but can't reach my Self, and so I don't reach out to others either... When I want to because I want to be with people, but at the same time I don't, so I will end up in social atmospheres while retaining my snarktastic Ice Queen, Mistress of Sarcasm face.

When I'm perusing my email every moment, as soon as something pops up, but never responding. When I neurotically checking my messaging programs but not sending out IMs, when I'm pretending I'm not there and don't respond but so clearly am there... When I have my phone with me at all times but hardly pick up when someone calls, and usually only on a second ring...

When I look to my door expecting it to open and see my friends there, but logically acknowledging it's not going to happen because I haven't sent out any sort of initiation and if anything have done the exact opposite. When I yearn for contact but notice the conflict of that feeling.

Sigh. When it only really helps when my friends at random show up and drag me out of my dark and twisty place. Doesn't work with family.

I don't like doing this. I don't like that I'm noticing that I'm doing it and still not wanting to change it.

Snoopy is working and then off to Long Island. Toast is in Rhode Island. Jean is in Boston. Rawley is good green knows where, but we're not that close anyway. Laura is preparing for Florida. Dana fell off the face of the Earth. Church friends are busy. School friends are across the ocean.

Yeah, I'm in the dark secluded place that I put myself in sometimes.

(You know what doesn't help? Grey's Anatomy. You know what does help? Grey's Anatomy.)