November 23rd, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Death via Coursework

This is just an "I'm Dead" post.

I seem to have way more work than most people due for the end of the term. The people in clusters like mine basically just have the Exploiters page and some random stuff.

My list at present:

Chemistry - do, check, understand sheet. 24/11 (Self-assigned)
Plant - One Week Plant Food Diary, what parts of plants involved? 23/11 (at least, that's when my one week ends, then I have to write up the information)
Enviro - Lily House Assessment / Heritage landscape restoration report 24/11
Plant - Check Blackboard for week 7 notes and cocoa notes. Email. (They're not up, wtf.)
Exploiters - Paper 1500-2000 word essay due @ 5 12/12
Chemistry - test yourself quizzes. Carbon compounds, counting molecules, alkenes alkanes and polar molecules. 8/12, given that's the exam and that's when I need to understand everything by.
Plant - Report on adaptations for either climbing or defence as seen in the Harris Garden. Organs involved? 8/12
Plant - Illustrated writeup of practical for week 4, floral structures. 8/12
Plant - Same for week 7, cocoa. 8/12
Plant - Same for week 8, apples. 8/12
Plant - Same for week 9, brassica crops. 12/12
Chemsitry - Open book test revision. 8/12
Enviro - Ecological sampling of invertebrates report. 5/12
Enviro - Group renewable energy presentation. 11/12
Enviro - Sutton Coutenay Landfill Site. 13/1 (beyond end of first term)
Exploiters - Extra reading and assessment for week 6 (self-assigned)
Exploiters - Extra reading and assessment for week 7 (self-assigned)
Living Cell - all notes and additional reading (self assigned)

Yes. I pretty much feel like I'm dying. By tomorrow at 4 I get to cross off the Heritage Landscape Restoration report, but until then I have to actually write it.

Also the StudentsOnly website won't verify that I'm a frakkin' student, which is really annoying, and I spent more than a half an hour of paper time trying to get proper documents only to find they were always missing one of the three major things: my (proper) name, the University name, or the date of current semester. I don't think they'll even take Blackboard as a gradesheet so it's so annoying. I can't find the chat feature to ask them questions. I don't want to have to go get documentation from student services and have to snail-mail it, or scan it or anything. Gehhhh.

On the plus side of life I have no practical this week for Exploiters so hopefully I can get my hands on Jack and Arun to discuss actually working on our biofuels presentation. And if I get pinned for group leader I am not going to be a happy camper.

Geh. The lot of this. Iz killed in the face.

Why can't I be Lora, with just one Exploiters paper to write and a chemistry exam to study for? Plant and Enviro, why must you smite me so? Pouts. I am soSoSO dead.

So this is also my "You probz won't see me much" given you already haven't really and I need to not be on the Internet save Blackboard and talking with my group mates. Because, again, DEAD.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 17:03 I finished NaNoWriMo but instead of feeling joyous, I just feel frightened. Work. Panic. I just want to cry, not try to work.
  • 21:18 I am disappearing. From everything. Just...disappearing.
  • 09:45 I took a procrastination shower with Lora. And I sent more information to StudentsOnly. Tidying up to be comfortable. Then nose down.
  • 09:45 @hucatherine That really stinks! Car-freezing is no fun. Being a US New Englander, I totally get it. How'd your assessment go?
  • 10:10 It is bad that I can't even think of what I ate on Thursday night for my plant food diary. As if I even ate much, pshaw.
  • 10:28 I finally understand what was fishy about the plant email that went out saying stuff was due Friday of Wk. 9, the 8th. That's Mon. week 10!
  • 10:33 It now says "died" on my calendar for 23-11-2008. Day after NaNo finish, +3|-| |)3|)z0|?z. Mourns self. Aaaand back to work.
  • 11:02 I epic fail at life. I would like to be counting sheep right now. Either reading the webcomic or sleeping. Instead...research. Necrosis!
  • 11:11 I'm pretty sure I'm just going to be sick. Wow. I can't believe this has managed to get worse through the years. O_o. Impressive.
  • 12:06 Pretty sure I'm just going to be sick now after that email. Tonight is going to be a very long night.
  • 15:23 I do need to grow up and move on. It doesn't have to mean letting go of my high school self. But I need to grow up.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

A Last?

I've just finished sobbing to Lora and Mary.

I was feeling sick about working a while ago and had set up my sections for the assessment. I wanted to calm my stomach, so I picked up an apple and the book Memere sent me - The Little Prince. I walked up and down the corridor munching and reading, then threw the stuff away in Lora's room since I was near hers when I finished.

Came back to my room and had an email. A very short email.

Background being, oh, on Saturday I emailed Mrs. Cavanagh. A feelings email. I tried to be Kiwish, I tried to not be super painful, I tried to just be authentic and leave some of it happy. I just tried so hard and put so much of myself into the email.

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The email I got back answered so very, very little.

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Tell me, why even put "Dear" in front of it? And I wasn't just trying to complain about not having a quick response to Chemistryyyy. I wasn't. And oh, apparently my Questions email was "Powerful." So she slept on it. And gave me what? 2 sentences.

Does she want me to keep emailing her? Hell if I know! Will she ever go on IM again? Hell if I know! Would she be willing to set up a schedule? Hell if I know!

She she even fucking love me anymore? Hell if I fucking know!

I am not trying to CONTROL her responses. I am letting her know things that hurt me, I am letting her know ways to reach me, I am trying to come up with solutions that hurt people less all around.

I don't know who she is anymore. I took the two pictures with her and threw them across the room, then haphazardly back on my desk. I glared at the gown in my closet, at the cards on my wall and the little glove and the jewelry box in my drawer, at my journal in general. And I'm damn well glad my speakers weren't in my room because I probably would have thrown them out the window of my sixth floor room.

I am in so much pain.

I think breakups with friends are worse than breakups with lovers, because with lovers there's a good chance of the "let's be friends" stage and at least having a friend you know you already love.

What about fucking ends of friendships?

I can't stop crying. She knows me. She knows how sensitive I am. She put that so concisely, so whetted...after a night of sleeping on it? She once mentioned, when we got the closest we ever got to an argument, "Look how careful we're being with each other!" because even when we disagreed, we still took so much care with the other until we worked through it. We got to a solution. We compromised and explained. We did not "control." We requested and agreed.

Maybe it's best I got this email tonight. Now even if I didn't have an assessment I wouldn't be able to sleep.

My email was terrible. It sounds terrible in hindread. Her email was terrible. It sounds so no matter how many times I read it.

So this is us being entirely cut open on the rocks.

I am hating life right now. A lot.