November 19th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Full day

Snoozed, woke up, got ready, Internet, left late without food, noted the fact that if I would just STOP HITTING THE FRAKKIN SNOOZE BUTTON I would be able to do all of those and get food and not be late - by "not be late" I mean "be properly early not just five minutes."

Got to plant, sat up front, almost fell asleep three times in lecture but didn't and paid attention, took notes. CJ gave me two pieces of chocolate that I eated! Practical was ironically on cocoa. We have a 2-3 side assessment to do, basically bullets, on some stuff with the plant. Shouldn't be anything terrible. We were walked around the greenhouse by the man who said "uhm" too much in his presentation (50 times since the time I started counting) and wasn't at all sure of himself. Danced around when I was bored and amused people. Wasn't as studious as I should have been - didn't go above and beyond and draw everything because it wasn't necessary. Hung around nervously.

At the end said bye to Pip with a hug and headed off with CJ and her friend Jon to get assessment. He was fun and liked Zoë Lewis music. I got really nervous. Got up there, found it right away, threw it on the table and couldn't look at it because I felt sick. Slipped it in my rucksack without looking, but had an ominous feeling. When CJ bet 10p that I would get above a 70 I bet against her - against my grade.

Walked home. Ate lunch. Went upstairs. Eventually took assessment out to Juliette and read it with her, ranted, cried (not panicked just sad). Got hugs from everyone. Back in my room, a bit of panicked crying but then calm. Emailed the professor. Got happy, danced around, was Kiwi.

Got email back eventually that said sure the professor would meet with me (11 a.m. Thursday) and he would email Duncan, the professor in charge of the class, about extending the deadline. I later got an email back that YES, it was extended to Monday as I suggested! For the whole class whee! I did goooood!

That was after tea, which was HORRIBLE and the "trifle" (as if that jiggly monster could be called trifle) ate my birthday/class ring from Boskone with Tammy! So I rescued it with my spoon, put it in my water, dug it out again, and cleaned it with a napkin. Stupid trifle. Stupid dropping my ring.

But anyway, I ran out of my room and hugged Matt. Decided to go out with them to Subway and get something cheap because I had some free time again and wanted to celebrate getting my first paper back and being good and emailing the professor and turning things around so quickly. So we walked together with my dancing all the way with Doom (my iPod). Got to Subway and ordered a veggie delite 6" which is 1.99, the cheapest thing on the menu, and 50p crisps. Which gave me enough change for washing again! And the food was HEAVENLY. We all just sort of sat in silence eating, completely pleased with Life, the Universe, and Everything.

When we walked back Sarah and I were together and listened to Charlie the Unicorn and danced around and pretended to ride unicorns through the candy mountain song. And then listened to and sang the Mysterious Ticking Noise song from Potter Puppet Pals. It was so fun.

Came back, updated quote blog, got some stuff done, showered, got chemistry notes done but didn't have it in me to finish the sheet, typed up my plant food one week diary thus far, and emailed KS1/Codename Cavinator because I was inspired. Turned out longer than I had hoped, but I think still Kiwish. We'll see what happens. I feel stronger regardless.

Posted a BoS post on Sheroes for the first time in a while. Am now really annoyed at another that supposedly "doesn't insult trans people" but totally does. Because yes, OBVIOUSLY they're just in it for attention ("but only the mediawhore ones!"), and It's a WOMAN THING to want children, and there's obviously NO DIFFERENCE between adopting and having babies with genes in the family (not that one is always preferable, just that different families have different desires!), and obviously it's OK to call people "it" or go directly against the pronoun wishes of people, and obviously it's not a Big Deal or anything, and obviously if you're biologically one sex and align with another gender and sex you're not a part of it as biosex people (duhhh, why would you even consider equality into the mix?) because obviously people with the right sexual parts for the gender are better or more that gender than those who don't.

So yeah. I wanted to growl. But it was someone else's BoS post, so I just tried to support a friend as best I could. But it still miffs me loads. But now it's bedtime! I'm late already! And microbes lab tomorrow in Exploiters! I'm so nervous! And Lora will be there!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Dramz, It Keepsa Flowin

I think I am a wuss for hiding under a rock / in a tree when Sheroes drama comes.

Zoësheroooo, may I hide in one of your hugs for a bit?

Kitty eyes.

ETA - I knew I would soon hate the post I put up on Sheroes. I just want to be tolerant. Of everyone. But I always sound like I'm leaning more toward other people. But I don't blame Katie either, even when I don't agree, and don't think it's respectful to go back on the pronouns. But it doesn't mean I don't like her. BoS isn't about sounding tolerant in its initial posts - but it is in the following. I know that. I just want to get along, and not be on fences, and not be pulled around as well, but I also acknowledge that's not going to happen either.

Sometimes. Sometimes I should just shut up.

But I did that for a friend, to give support, and the background of the action I have absolutely no problem with. I just knew I wouldn't like what I said within 15 minutes, an hour, an evening...
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 20:12 @myowncliche Where be you?
  • 10:40 Oh gods, Renren is a Twilighthead. I'm tying a pillow to my head, grabbing my nonfiction books, and hitting the road.
  • 11:02 Dear Kiwi: do not title two different emails to two different people the same things. Bad idea. Baddddd idea. Love, Kiwi
  • 11:03 @daheefanel I totally agree. Shall we hug? I think I would like hugging. But I'm sometimes afraid of The S Site.
  • 13:50 In honour of Snoopy: "I can't come, because I will be dead, because I will have KILLED MYSELF!" Too much work due before term end eghdeath.
  • 13:54 Holy sheet! Girl from my grade engaged already! Weird feelings, egh wtfery!
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

A Fuck Entry

When someone points out your flaws, and then you think of more of your flaws on your own, what can you do?

"You're right" is the only thing I can do.

I am so torn on everything right now. And I've pissed people off, and made people roll eyes, and made other people look down on me.

I don't know what I fucking believe. I'm confused. I wish I didn't flip flop, I wish I could be cement. I wish I could be passionate and stand up and have the guts to dislike people.

But at the same time I don't WANT to dislike people, because in almost every case I've found things about the person I really like.

I want. What do I want.

I want to like people. I want to accept people. I want to be able to acknowledge when I think people are wrong, and when I disagree; I want to be able to stand up for that. I want to be able to disagree with people and have it not be a big issue that divides people up; I want to be able to agree to disagree and be able to go on with the liking. I want to not have the wool over my eyes about people, or not give up the feeling that I do. I want to not be judged for whom I like all over the board, by all of the other members (I mean this metaphorically, not literally; this entry is pertaining to my life in general and many different people). I want to like myself. I want to not feel so naive.

I want to not feel sick every time this stuff happens. I want to have it not affect me, not have me cry, not leave me unable to do stuff for a while. I want hugs. I want to stop being a pity party. I want to be able to do things that I think are right without having my sense of Right suddenly change and I don't want to feel guilty. I want to support people and not make people angry.

But none of this is anything new. It's the stuff I've been struggling with since elementary school, the stuff that made me the shy little girl who didn't often speak up. It's the same stuff that made me not very well-liked on the playground - and I've been thinking about it all week since the elementary school picture went up.

I can't tiptoe around trying to avoid hurting all feelings and angering all people; I can't live my life like I'm walking through a mine field. Especially when half the mines are imaginary and there are more out there that are actually there that I don't even see.

But that's how I am. Most of the time I don't have it in me to make people angry for standing up and disagreeing, it's for not doing it or going back on myself or being a lapdog or a pity party or too sensitive or just someone it's impossible to hold a proper adult conversation with; for flip-flopping and circling everything.

The only one I make properly angry is myself, and that's not the way it should be.

And then I look at the above and wonder, "Is this just another defense mechanism? Is this just being down on myself because then people will be less likely to be down on me because they'd feel bad? Is this fishing for the *hugs* you seem to mock yet simultaneously ask for?" And I think if I'm being honest - because goodness knows being honest is good, and I'm not honest enough - it's both. I'm down on myself because this is often how I feel about myself when the situations come up, and I'm down on myself because it puts people off attacking me because I'm already attacking myself and what's the point of making comments then? I don't even remember which hurts more anymore, ripping into myself or hearing comments from others that aren't even meant to be offending I just take them as such. I sadly think it's still the second. Fuck being sensitive. Fuck not having a spine.

Fuck this all. I wish I had the strength my fucking best friend does. She knows how to do it right.

(I also love how in my head there's a voice pleading, "Please put up a warning at the end! Put up 'ignore this if it makes you angry' or 'please don't be angry with me' or 'please be careful with me because I'm sensitive.' Otherwise they'll hurt you!" because hey, there's my secret! That little voice who thinks everyone's out to fucking get me! There we go, this is livejournal being my therapist! It got right down to the bone, don't you think? That little voice leads to all of this. If I were out of my Mind, none of this would exist. All non-offending-but-misunderstood or sarcastic-but-not-intentionally-mean or downright-mean comments wouldn't feel like ripping a part of me away or wounding me, because there would be no identity to wound. Wouldn't that be lovely. Until I get out of Time enough for that, I'm stuck.)

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read): I'm afraid of people disliking me. All the fears and actions that stem from that cause people to dislike me. Lulz, isn't that a laugh?