October 18th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Morning Thoughts

I watched Harry Potter 3 until before two a.m. last night and read a few pages. I pretended to be asleep when Batgirl came back from clubbing to see if she would come in anyway, knowing I would be happy either way. My DVD was still playing when I was falling asleep, though, which was obnoxious. I closed my laptop and waited for it to go into hybrid.

It was nice watching HP. It reminded me of all the times I've watched them at home (especially number 3, for no apparent reason) and how it always reminds me of being snuggled in watching it around winter solstice / Christmas time, with the snow lightly falling and my room hardly lit. It just puts this amazing feeling in my whole body.

Sometimes I wonder about remembering - I shouldn't be in the Mind to be wondering, but I put it in relation to being in the Now. If I were to be forever in the Now, I wouldn't be able to visit my pleasant memories - and I don't visit them nostalgically (then I pull the plug), just, "That was so incredibly enjoyable. I can't wait to do it again" because I know I will get the opportunity. But I suppose it's a manner of daydreaming, and thus looking to the future to be a salvatory breath to the present. I suppose I can understand it when I'm a) sick and human, and have not quite got the Being Enlightened when very sick and b) there has to be a degree of imagination/daydreaming for my planning of the future. I daydreamed of university in England once in sophomore year and realized I loved the idea. Look where I am now! So, stuff like that. And I guess I've settled on the feeling/idea that to me being in the Now would have to be about being conscious - able to know when I am daydreaming, when I am reminiscing, and allowing it only for when I want it, and being able to pull the plug when it is no good for me. To not let it control me.

I still felt really disgusting physically, though. I haven't been able to sleep for more than an hour since I tried sleeping at 2. That's four hours of just tossing and turning and being hot and being cold and being congested but not really blocked up and being in some hip pain.

I don't know why my hip is hurting. That's still sort of a mystery.

I also wonder why I always have this feeling that I am going to die at a relatively young age. It's not a scary feeling, it's just something I feel most of the time. I often feel as though all the medical stuff I went through up until now (precocious puberty, Lupron, fractured hip, three operations + pin removal, hip replacement) are going to limit the age I will live through.

I then got this really peaceful feeling. I allowed myself to think/feel for a moment, and realized that I believe I have lived a very full 18 years. If I were to say, perish right now, I would leave behind so much stuff - more stuff, I'm sure, than many adults.

I have finished novels, stories, poems songs; I have enough writing to float the Queen. I have enough art to fill books. I have known so many people and touched hearts. I have, according to others, changed life - or have that "life-changing" feel to me that others apparently pick up on. I have had kindred spirits. I have had bosom buddies and best friends. I have done the strangest of things - including writing a novel in three days, caring for a dying mouse, and so much more. I have chosen my own high school and had a real feel for what I needed educationally. I have chosen to become an International student and seek out a dual citizenship. I have had a powerful story.

Apparently, I have touched lives.

I feel very complete when I think about it, and even when I don't. I feel blessed and honored to have been alive for these 18 years and to be alive right now. I don't feel sad for the fact that I am going to die, nor for the feeling I have in my bones (and ceramic) that it might be younger than most.

This was going to be a short post. It isn't. It's 6.31 in the morning, through the last few years (on weekdays) I would have been getting up for school. This amuses me. Go back to sleep, little Kiwibird. It's Saturday and you don't have school. This reminds me of summer nights, when I would stay up until sun rise and have the wonderful, time-altering experience of watching the sunset followed by the sunrise, as opposed to the opposite. I can hear the birds outside my window in the big tree chirping, calling to each other about the arrival of the sun soon.

I think the pain medication is kicking in. I'm going to go read until I'm tired again and then go to sleep. Saturday may be about sleep for me - sleep, lunch, sleep, wake up.

I don't know how I'm smiling. But I am!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh


  • 07:54 Sickness kills me in the face. I should go to lunch, because we're not served dinner weekend nights, but I feel like deathhhh. Need to go!

And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!